


A Saphael Alphabet

by Haleyb333



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 44,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6580858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haleyb333/pseuds/Haleyb333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the same setup as my Malec Alphabet, just with Saphael this time around! If you have any letter suggestions, please let me know! I will update things as quickly as possible! Each letter is not related to the others unless otherwise specified! Each chapter is a one-shot that has to do with Saphael in some way shape or form!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A: Act

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So some of you may know that I'm in the process of transferring my work from fanficiton.net to here. Some of the things I've been uploading are complete, others are not. This is one thing that is not complete! At the moment, I think I need to write the P chapter.   
> I'm going to attempt to add maybe 2 chapters a day so that I can catch up with where I am in my writing for it!  
> If you have any suggestions for letters P-Z, feel free to send them in! I love hearing from you guys!

Simon was absolutely bewildered. He had seen Raphael in some fairly bad moods over the few months that they had been together, but this night's seemed to top off everything. Raphael was generally sarcastic and dry; Simon knew that much. Tonight, however, it seemed as though he was just plain rude, something that Simon had rarely ever seen. And he had no idea where it was coming from.

They were supposed to be having a mini party at Magnus and Alec's. Simon saw it as a way of just celebrating the fact that they were somehow all still alive. Yet the entire night, Raphael had been extremely aggressive and generally unwilling to talk to anyone, including Simon. Magnus had thrown some concerned glances their way a few times, but he seemed to be smart enough to keep himself from asking what was going on.

Simon, however, was apparently not this smart. After over an hour of the same sort of nonsense, Simon finally got up and dragged Raphael into one of the spare rooms in the apartment. "What is going on with you?" he immediately demanded. It was only after the words were out of his mouth that he realized how harsh they sounded. He regretted phrasing it in such a way, but it was too late now, so he just stared back at Raphael, trying to read the expression on his face.

The Raphael that was staring back at Simon was so heavily guarded, so much more than usual, that Simon barely recognized him. "Why would you think there is anything going on, Lewis?" Raphael's voice was ice cold, but it was also eerily smooth. There was no emotion behind it at all, no indication that anything was wrong. And that was what worried Simon the most.

"Oh, I don't know, Santiago," Simon began, his tone equally as icy. "Maybe the fact that when Magnus asked you if he could get you another bottle of blood you told him to bite you." Raphael's emotionless expression didn't change in any way, so Simon continued. "Or maybe it was the fact that since you have said that you haven't spoken another word to anyone. Raphael," Simon hated the way his voice became gentler when he actually used Raphael's first name. "Drop the act. Whatever is going on, just talk to me."

For several long moments, Simon felt as though he was going to be the next person that Raphael told to bite him. Which, Simon considered, was not a bad idea in and of itself. He shoved that thought aside as Raphael began to speak, his earlier emotionless voice now drenched in anger. "I don't understand what the point of this 'celebrating' is." He practically spat the words at Simon.

Apparently, Simon's expression looked as confused as he felt because Raphael continued. "In case you haven't noticed, please have died, Simon." Raphael's voice seemed to fall flat on Simon's name. Despite this, he kept speaking. "We weren't the only ones in this war. We weren't the only ones who had to get through it." Simon remained silent once more, but this time it was because he had no idea what to say.

Before Simon could figure out what to say, Raphael went to sit on the green bedspread beside of him. It was then that Simon finally realized what everything was about. "Ragnor?" Simon's voice had the overbearing hint of a question, mostly because he didn't want to spark anything that he couldn't handle.

"Dios, of course this is about Ragnor," Raphael replied, his voice suddenly losing all the biting anger it had held. "He was my best friend." Simon was just as speechless as ever at this declaration. "He's gone, Simon. He died because of this war and everyone is sitting here pretending that just because we all made it through that everyone else did as well."

For a moment, Simon considered what it would be like for him to just leave without saying another word. He had never been able to easily deal with grief, and the grief of those he cared for the most was always the hardest for him to navigate. Raphael's voice might have been even, but the storm in his eyes told Simon all that he needed to know. He moved to sit beside of Raphael, trying, and failing, to figure out exactly what to say.

"Raphael," Simon knew his own voice was pretty uneven, but that was mostly out of his own confusion as to what to do. "I don't think that's what we're doing here. At least, it's not meant to be that way. Magnus lost Ragnor, too. Everyone here realizes that people have been lost in this war, everyone realizes that more people will be lost. We're here because we're celebrating the fact that somehow, we're the ones who have made it."

Raphael reached over to place his hand on Simon's. He looked as though he was going to say something in response, but before he could, the door began to inch open. Simon almost laughed at how ridiculous Alec looked when he poked his head into the room. "May I add something to that?" he asked, then began talking much quicker, trying to amend what he had just said. "Magnus sent me to make sure everything was okay because apparently I'm the 'peacekeeper' here, and I couldn't help but overhearing."

Simon was slightly too relieved when Raphael flashed a weak smile and inclined his head. "Simon's right," Alec continued. Simon was fairly certain he had never heard Alec utter those words before. "We all lost someone. I lost my little brother. And throughout this little party of ours, I've been thinking of things about it that he would have loved. Sure, it hurts. And I doubt it's ever going to stop hurting. But from what Magnus has told me of Ragnor, he wouldn't want you to stop living, to stop being happy just because he's gone."

At first, Simon tensed up, not knowing how Raphael would react to this particular mention of Ragnor. When Raphael chuckled, however, Simon gave Alec a look that said he was just as thankful as he was awed by the fact that he had even begun to fix this. "The sad part," Raphael began, his voice much less cold. "Is that I know you're right. He'd probably be telling me to go make fun of Magnus's wardrobe if I needed to cheer myself up."

Simon was surprised when Alec laughed as well. "Well, come on then, Raphael," there was an odd sort of mischief in Alec's eyes and Simon was unsure of how to deal with that. "We'd better get started on that because there's a lot to make fun of with the way Magnus is dressed today."

Finally, for the first time all night, Simon himself laughed when they heard Magnus all but scream from the living room. "I heard that, Alexander! You're sleeping on the couch tonight!" When they had all three composed themselves enough to walk out of the room, Alec looked over and winked.

"He says that a lot, but as soon as the Chairman comes to sleep with me, he's suddenly no longer angry." Simon smiled once more and slid his hand into Raphael's. He didn't know how, but Simon did know that he was going to make sure that whatever type of war or battle came their way, he and Raphael were going to make it through together.


	2. B: Blood

"Simon!" Raphael was fairly certain that if both he and Simon survived the battle they were currently in that he was going to be the one to murder Simon himself. He could almost hear Simon saying, "Now that would be counterproductive, wouldn't it, Santiago?" Raphael hated the way he found that so endearing.

He had never meant to fall for the stupid mundane, or rather, Daylighter of a boy, and yet here he was, in the midst of a battle, trying beyond anything to find Simon who had suddenly been dragged away from him. Raphael felt a pang of fear grip him in a way it had not gripped him in almost half a century.

Raphael was still slightly unsure as to what was going on. His immediate thought was that Valentine was attacking, but that didn't make sense because the only things he could see were the Forsaken warriors. He and Simon had been on their way to the Institute to pick up Clary. When they had arrived, there had been chaos everywhere. Raphael had helped Jace take down a Forsaken, and he had turned around to see Simon being dragged away from him. Before he could do anything, however, another Forsaken was in his path.

Now he was turning in desperate circles, trying, and failing, to locate Simon. He momentarily registered the fact that Magnus was there, fighting alongside Alec. He and Alec had quickly learned how to become an unstoppable force, Magnus with his magic and Alec with his bow. Magnus seemed to register the fact that Raphael was searching for Simon because he signaled something to Alec who began covering for him.

"Where is he?" Magnus directed his question at Raphael while focusing on making a Forsaken fall so that Alec could take it out with an arrow. That was the exact question that Raphael wanted someone to answer for him, and he knew that if he thought about it much longer that he would eventually be paralyzed with fear.

"You tell me," Raphael shot back, angry with himself that his voice was shaking with the anxiety that was controlling every inch of his body. Without saying a word, Alec slowly started working his way toward the last place that Simon had been seen. Raphael became distracted with a Forsaken once more, but Magnus quickly helped him put it down.

The next thing he knew, Alec was yelling at them, indicating that he had found Simon. Raphael sprinted to Alec's side, only to come up short when he saw Simon lying on the ground. If Raphael's heart had been beating, it would have skipped a beat right then. He felt as though he was running out of breath, which was a curious sensation for someone who didn't have any breath in the first place.

Simon was losing blood pretty quickly for someone whose blood didn't exactly circulate properly any longer. For a fleeting moment, Raphael became terrified at the thought that Simon didn't seem to be breathing. Then he mentally smacked himself. Dios, he thought, of course he's not breathing, you idiot. He doesn't need to breathe. Before Raphael could move, Alec was on his knees at Simon's side. Raphael couldn't seem to make himself move.

Magnus silently brushed past Raphael, gently placing a sympathetic hand on Raphael's shoulder before moving to kneel beside of Alec. Raphael knew that Magnus was just trying to help, that he was going to help heal Simon, that he genuinely cared. But Raphael didn't want sympathy at the moment. He wanted Simon as he was just hours ago, talking about the new Star Wars movie with far more enthusiasm than Raphael could handle.

Without thinking, Raphael turned his back on Simon and tore into the fight before him in a way that he hadn't since Simon had come into his life. He released all of the emotions he had been holding inside, all of the emotions that had captured him upon seeing Simon so gravely injured on the nearest Forsaken, then he did it again and again until the last of the Forsaken was dead.

The release of battle didn't do anything to calm Raphael, not in the way that it usually had. For months, he had been watching Simon slowly attempt to rebuild his life. Watching the young man he cared for as he fell apart day after day, seized by thoughts of how he was now a monster, of how his life had been ripped up and would never be the same again was enough to drive Raphael insane. He knew exactly how Simon felt, and yet, there seemed to be nothing he could ever do to comfort Simon.

He finally turned back to find Simon once more, not noticing the cut on his forehead that was slowly bleeding. Raphael was surprised to see Simon standing, leaning heavily against a wall of the Institute, watching him with curious eyes. Without any hesitation, Raphael launched himself at Simon in a way that he never had before. He immediately took Simon into his arms, not at all aware of the staring of those around them. He didn't care what they thought; he didn't care who watched anymore.

At first, Raphael didn't really register the fact that he was speaking to Simon in rapid Spanish, a terrible thing that generally happened when he was overly emotional. After a few seconds, Simon put his hand up. "Raphael, I cannot understand you. What little Spanish I do know does not help me when you speak this quickly, you know that." There was an odd sort of smile on Simon's face, as if he could read Raphael's feelings for everything that they were.

Raphael forced himself to take a deep breath before trying to speak again. "What happened? Why were you hurt like that? Dios, Simon, I'll kill you myself if you ever scare me like that again." At first, Simon automatically laughed, then he winced in pain, causing Raphael's face to clothe itself in even more concern.

"First of all, Santiago, killing me would be slightly counterproductive." Raphael couldn't help but laugh, and Simon gave him a questioning look as he did so. It still startled Raphael that he sometimes knew Simon so well, but the shock of hearing Simon say exactly what he had earlier thought was enough to make Raphael laugh in even a moment such as this. "Second, one came up behind me when I wasn't paying attention."

This was absolutely ludicrous to Raphael. "How can anything sneak up behind a vampire? That's ridiculous, Simon, and you know it. What else would you have possibly been paying attention to in a fight like that?" Simon sighed and leaned in to Raphael, putting some of his weight on the other man.

"Raphael," Simon began, his voice much softer than it had been just moments ago. "Sometimes you are so oblivious that it's astonishing." Raphael must have looked as confused as he felt because Simon chuckled and continued speaking. "I was paying attention to you."

His words were simple, but to Raphael, they were much more than words. Maybe he was as oblivious as Simon said he was because just hearing Simon say this was enough to shock him. "Why would you be paying attention to me?" he asked, suddenly highly aware of those around them.

Simon reached up to gently push back Raphael's hair before responding. "I was terrified of you getting yourself hurt, but by the looks of what you were doing right after I came to, I think I was wrong to worry like that." He paused for a moment as if he wasn't sure whether or not he should say the rest of what he wanted to say. "I've never seen you that way, Raphael. Frankly, you were terrifying."

Before Raphael could respond in any form, Simon was motioning for Magnus and Raphael was momentarily gripped with fear that Simon was still hurt. "Heal this cut for him please," Simon said when Magnus was next to them, and Raphael was surprised to find that the cut on his head was bleeding a lot more than it should have been considering that he hadn't even noticed it.

When Magnus was done, Raphael suddenly felt a mixture of emotions that he couldn't quite define. He hadn't ever meant to feel this way about Simon, but the paralyzing fear he had felt upon seeing Simon hurt couldn't mean that he felt any other way. It scared him to care for someone in this way. They lived lives in which anything could happen at any moment and there was no guarantee of what the next day might hold. Caring for someone in this type of life was risky, it meant giving your heart with no assurance that the person wouldn't be gone within the next minute. But Raphael found himself caring for Simon despite all of this.

Suddenly, Raphael found himself leaning as far into Simon as possible. Before he had time to think about the fact that there were far too many people around them, he found his lips on Simon's. It wasn't as though they hadn't kissed before, but to Raphael, this kiss certainly made him feel like that was the case. He poured so much of his heart, so much of himself into the kiss that it was dizzying. He wanted Simon to feel all the things that he couldn't quite put into words, and he wanted him to feel it as quickly as possible.

When they finally pulled apart, Raphael was amused to see the others staring at them with wide eyes. Everyone except for Magnus seemed to feel terribly awkward and to want to leave the situation, and Raphael suspected that this was because Magnus was the only one who never truly felt as though these kinds of displays of affection were something to be freaked out by.

After a few moments of silence, Simon cleared his throat in the awkward manner that only Simon could do. "Well, Santiago," he began, his voice not lacking affection in any way. "I have lost a lot of blood, so I think it's time we go home and replenish that. Not to mention the fact that I need to get you home and talk to you about picking up where we just left off." Raphael couldn't keep himself from laughing at the faces of the others as he slipped his hand into Simon's and began to lead the way home.


	3. C: Cross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY ABOUT THE BEFORE THING!!!  
> So I kinda copy and pasted the wrong thing as some of you noticed, so thank you for letting me know, otherwise I never would have figured it out!  
> SORRY, I AM A VERY BUSY PRE-MED STUDENT WHO FORGETS THINGS A LOT!

Simon had to get out and take a walk. He thanked his lucky stars, and not for the first time that day, that he was a Daylighter. Otherwise, he would have felt absolutely trapped. Walks at night were one thing, but Simon felt as though he needed the sun in order to properly relax on a walk. Especially after nights such as the one he had just experienced.

He knew things could have been much worse. Lately, Simon had found himself in the midst of far too many battles, so a night like the previous one should have been a very welcome and relaxing distraction. Somehow, however, it had been just the opposite.

It was the first night that Simon had spent with Raphael. As in, he actually had planned on staying with Raphael in his room at the Dumort, but things had been so stressful to Simon that as soon as Raphael had fallen asleep he crept out of the room so that he could go for a walk.

Their night wasn't meant to be stressful at all, and at first Simon had thought that once he was lying down in Raphael's arms that he would be able to fall asleep. But that was very far from the case. Raphael had wanted to give Simon a night of relaxation, an escape from everything that had been going on around them.

For a couple of hours, Simon had sat in a corner of the Dumort just reading, waiting on Raphael to take care of a couple of last minute things he needed to tell Lily, who he was leaving in charge for the night. Finally, Raphael had come and silently taken Simon's hand, leading him to the floor of the Dumort that he had all to himself. As soon as the door was closed and locked, Raphael had pushed Simon into the wall and Simon found their lips pressed together with such an urgency that it would have taken his breath away if he had had any.

After a few moments, Simon pulled away so that he could look at Raphael and attempt to figure out exactly what was going on. "Had a bad day, huh?" he asked, his voice light, slightly drunk off of Raphael's touch. For a moment, Raphael just looked back at him, then an unreadable expression crossed over his face.

"Right now, Lewis, I'm going to need you to shut up and kiss me." Simon chuckled and happily obliged. That wasn't a request that he was going to turn down. Simon didn't know how long it was before things began to go to hell and become stressful again. For a while, he was able to lose himself in Raphael, he forgot the war that was going on outside, he forgot everything that had been crushing him, everything that had been tearing him apart. He let Raphael take everything away from him, and for a while, that was alright.

Everything began going downhill when Simon reached over to life Raphael's shirt over his head and off of his body. Seeing as Raphael had already done the same to Simon, he only thought this was fair. The cross necklace that Raphael always wore came off with his shirt which was fine with Simon because he was becoming tired of trying to avoid touching it. The problem occurred when Simon realized something he had never truly thought of until that moment.

Simon guessed he had always known that the cross had to burn Raphael, but it was something he had sort of forced himself to not really think of. But now that he was staring at the cross-shaped scar on Raphael's chest, it finally hit Simon exactly what the cross was doing to Raphael. The scar was mostly healed because of the slight immunity Raphael had built up to the cross, but it still looked as though it was extremely painful, and it made Simon pause, unable to move or focus on anything else.

Raphael froze as well, immediately realizing exactly what had caused Simon to stop and tense up. "Raph," Simon breathed. He had made up that nickname specifically to annoy Raphael, but right now, despite himself, Simon found himself using it with so much affection that it almost scared him.

For a moment, it looked as though Raphael was going to get up and leave the situation, but he finally looked back up at Simon. "I can explain," he said, his voice wavering slightly. "Simon, I-" Raphael stopped talking as he watched Simon with the most open expression Simon had ever seen on his face.

Simon slowly bent down and gently pressed his lips to the scar, ignoring the pain that immediately overwhelmed him. He knew his lips would be bleeding when he took them away, the scar was too perfect of a cross to not affect him. But he didn't care, not in that moment. His lips only lingered several moments before Raphael shoved him away.

"Dios, Simon. You idiot." He sprung from the bed to get a washcloth. He didn't need a kitchen or a bathroom, but he kept them in the Dumort anyway. Simon watched, trying to not show the pain that was shooting through his face, as Raphael wetted the cloth and rushed back to him. When Raphael sat back down beside of Simon once more, Simon was alarmed to see tears running down Raphael's face. Simon reached up to wipe the tears away, but Raphael took his hand and forced it down. "No, Simon," was all that he said, his voice softer than Simon had ever heard it.

Raphael reached up to gently clean the blood from Simon's lips, angrily wiping at his tears a couple of times. Simon sat still, not wanting to do anything else to upset him. "Why would you do that? What could have possibly possessed you to do that, Simon?" Raphael's voice wavered slightly causing a lump to form in Simon's throat.

"I don't think you've ever called me 'Simon' that many times in a row," he said, trying to lighten the mood in any way possible. This only served to make Raphael scowl. He reached up to place his hand under Simon's chin, inspecting the damage done to his lips.

"Do not change to subject, Lewis," Simon could tell that Raphael was trying to make his voice as hard and angry as possible, but it was hardly working. Simon sighed and slightly wished that he hadn't done what he had, but he knew that he would do it over and over again if he had to.

"Raph, look," Simon felt as though he couldn't make eye contact with Raphael, although he didn't really know why that was. "I did it because I had to. I don't know why you wear that cross, you still haven't told me that. But when I saw the scar," Simon resisted the urge to reach up and touch it. "I knew that you wear it because of something that means everything to you. You wear it for an important reason, and I intend to show that reason love, even if I don't know exactly what it is."

For a few moments, Raphael just stared back at Simon, looking as though he wasn't really sure how to respond. Then, he finally leaned in and kissed Simon. This time, the kiss was terribly gentle, so gentle that it was almost heartbreaking to Simon. Before long, Simon winced in pain, his lips still raw from the effect of the scar.

Raphael pulled away when he felt Simon wince, suddenly full of concern once more. "No one has ever shown me that kind of care, Simon," he said after a long pause. He lowered his eyes from Simon's, but Simon reached over and gently raised his head, looking back at Raphael with a smile on his face.

"Then you haven't been with the right kind of people, Raph," he said, genuinely meaning it. Something began to sparkle in Raphael's eyes when Simon said this, and Simon was relieved to see that it was full of more happiness than sadness. Simon was surprised when Raphael leaned over to kiss Simon, this time on the forehead. It was such an intimate gesture that it caused Simon to pause. Simon was even more surprised when Raphael reached up to brush his thumb across Simon's lips.

"I will tell you my story one day soon, Simon, that I promise," Raphael's voice had a steady rhythm to it, as though he was trying to regain, and keep, his composure. "But for now, allow me to take care of you and help heal this."

Simon sighed, but this time it was out of contentment. Before long, they had determined that any sort of agitation to Simon's lips was going to be painful, and Raphael ended up in Simon's arms, telling him about when he was Turned.

The reason Simon had left for his walk was that his mind was filled with the torture of what Raphael must have gone through. As he was walking by the Institute, Simon immediately stopped and turned around, walking as quickly as he could without drawing attention to himself back to the Dumort.

As soon as Simon entered Raphael's room, he walked over to the bed and gently shook Raphael awake. When Raphael would hardly budge, he began kissing him awake. Finally, Raphael began smiling too much for them to actually properly kiss, so he sat up in bed, looking at Simon with the question clear on his face. "What's going on, Lewis? Why are you waking me up like this?"

"I am going to take care of you whether you want me to or not," he announced, holding up a hand to cut Raphael off as he tried to protest. "But I also have a request to make of you." Raphael remained silent, just waiting for Simon to clarify exactly what he wanted. "I want you to help me learn how to wear a Star of David."

At that, Raphael's generally carefully guarded expression was replaced with an expression full of both surprise and pain. Instead of responding, Raphael pulled Simon into him. Simon finally allowed himself to get lost in Raphael once more. After a couple of hours more, Simon finally fell asleep in Raphael's arms, a smile lingering on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so now that you've read the right thing, let me know your thoughts!


	4. D: Daylighter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so on to the second chapter for the day.  
> For those of you who didn't see it, I accidentally copy and pasted the chapter for A instead of the chapter for C, so that's what all the yelling was about!  
> More tomorrow!

Simon was entirely certain that he was the unluckiest person to ever live. Not that he was exactly living any more. Things had slowly begun going downhill since he had met Raphael. The only thing that had ever kept Simon from going insane was the fact that he had somehow ended up with Raphael, but he still was quite unsure of how that happened, not that he was ever going to question it.

At the moment, he was questioning whether or not he and Raphael were going to make it out of their current situation alive, or rather, undead. For a few moments, Simon simply started at Raphael where he was on the ground, unmoving, after being thrown into a wall. There had been a demon attack at the Dumort, something that Simon had not entirely been prepared for, and now Raphael was lying in a pool of his own blood, a pool that was spreading rather quickly.

Finally, Simon's legs allowed him to move toward Raphael, kneeling down beside of him. He was still unable to touch Raphael in any way, panic quickly coursing through him. Simon had no idea what to do, he had no idea of anything that might help save Raphael. He was losing blood far too quickly to allow his body to heal in any manner.

For a few moments, Simon looked around wildly, looking for anyone who could help him. That proved hopeless, so he turned back to Raphael, attempting to assess whether or not it would be okay to move Raphael, whether or not he could get Raphael to Magnus in time. By the way Raphael was losing blood, Simon knew that he wouldn't be able to get there in time, no matter how quickly he ran. The more he looked at Raphael, the worse he began to feel. Pretty soon, he felt crippled by his fear and, although he knew he was running out of time, he couldn't seem to make himself move.

Just as Simon was about to give up, knowing he couldn't do anything for Raphael himself, he heard a voice behind him. "Simon?" He almost felt a flicker of hope, then he realized that it was Jace. Of course it had to be the one person who he felt was least likely to help either of them. Of course Jace was breaking the Law just by setting foot inside the Dumort uninvited.

As Jace knelt down and reached out to touch Raphael, Simon couldn't help but move to stop him. "Do not touch him," he said through his teeth, surprising both Jace and himself. Simon didn't really expect Jace to listen to him, but Jace slowly leaned away from Raphael, looking over at him with a glance that was both terribly curious and painfully sympathetic.

For several very long moments, Jace looked back at Raphael, finally responding in a voice that was much softer than Simon had ever heard it. "I can help him, Simon, but you have to let me." When Simon didn't respond, Jace continued, seeming to understand that Simon wasn't following him. "I saved you, Simon, on the boat, and I can do the same for Raphael. I can't say I'm livid at the thought of having someone suck the life out of me again, but I'll do it, Simon."

Simon looked to Jace with an open look of surprise. There was no way someone who always seemed to dislike him so much would be willing to help him in that way. But he could tell that Jace was being genuine, that he meant it more than he would probably be willing to admit. Simon took once last glance at Raphael before nodding to Jace.

Simon couldn't help but smiling as Raphael regained consciousness. He had decided that since Raphael was drinking from Jace and that the sun was going to rise terribly soon that he would let Raphael wake up in the sun. Seeing as he got his Daylighter abilities from Jace's blood, he had thought it fitting that Raphael would see that he had gotten them as well as soon as he woke up. This seemed like a wonderful idea at the time, but upon waking up, Raphael seemed a bit more worried than Simon had thought he would have.

"Simon?" Raphael looked up at him with borderline terror. "I'm dead, aren't I?" he made a small movement to indicate the sunlight that he was sitting in. At that, Simon couldn't help but laugh and be a bit sarcastic, it was something he did when he was happy, and he had never been happier to hear Raphael say his name.

"You've been dead for a while now, Raph, I'm going to need you to be a bit more specific," Simon reached down to gently push the hair out of Raphael's eyes. Simon had thought that Raphael would be much happier, but he hadn't guessed at how long it would take for Raphael to realize that what was happening to him was real. "You're a Daylighter now, Raph. I'll explain that later, but you're not any more dead than you have been for years now."

That took a few moments to sink in, and then Simon found Raphael's lips on his. It surprised him at first, but then he sank into Raphael in the way he always had, in a way that he had always almost hated. When they broke away, Simon was happy to see the almost ecstatic look in Raphael's eyes. He watched as Raphael turned and saw Jace beside of them. "Do not tell me I had to drink from him," was Raphael's next response.

Before Simon could do anything other than chuckle, Jace was speaking, his usually sarcastic tone back in his voice. "Trust me, it was much worse from this end, Daylighter." At that, Raphael's smile automatically widened in a way that seemed as though he couldn't help it. He looked up toward the sun and gently closed his eyes.

"I almost feel warm again," he said, rendering Simon speechless. "Almost like the warmth I feel when I'm with you." Simon almost lost it at that, but he forced himself to keep that from showing and he just reached over to gently kiss Raphael once more. He forced himself to keep from looking over at Jace, knowing without looking that Jace was making some sort of unseemly face at the moment.

"Let's get you back inside, Raphael. You need rest." Simon got up and held out his hand to help Raphael up. As soon as Raphael was standing, however, he took hold of Simon's hand and forced him to stay still. Simon turned back around to see an unreadable expression in his eyes. Raphael began slowly shaking his head, and Simon could see that suddenly having Daylighter abilities had affected Raphael much more than he had thought it would.

"There's no way I can sleep, Simon." His voice was so soft that Simon was momentarily unsure that it was the Raphael he knew who was speaking to him. "I want to go to Central Park." It was more of a statement than a request, and Simon knew it was one that he could never deny. He simply nodded and began moving away from the Dumort, knowing that Raphael would have automatically done the same for him.

"It's just been so long," Raphael said as they were walking through the streets. Simon gave his hand a gentle squeeze, a smile still plastered on his face at the thought of just how happy Raphael truly was. He had never thought that Jace would do anything to top what he had done in saving Simon himself on Valentine's ship. But now, here he was, taking that thought back.

"I can't even imagine it, Raphael," Simon replied, knowing that the short time he had been deprived of the sun had been nothing compared to how long Raphael had been. "You're practically radiating happiness; you know that right?"

Raphael chuckled and turned to face Simon, stopping Simon in his tracks. "That's not quite just happiness, Lewis," he said, obviously fighting to keep the huge smile off of his face. When Simon only raised an eyebrow, Raphael continued, the smile gaining ground. "I think most people would call it love," he said, and Simon knew his heart would have skipped a beat if it had been beating at all.

For several terribly long moments, Simon didn't have any idea of how to respond. He and Raphael had never been anywhere near saying that they loved each other, and now that Raphael had said it, Simon was suddenly gripped by a fear he didn't quite understand. Confusingly, Raphael chuckled again. "Simon, you look like a deer in headlights. You do not have to say that back to me, I just thought that I should start being honest with you."

As Raphael began to turn away, Simon panicked and began moving, not really understanding what he was doing or why. He gripped Raphael's hand tighter and forced him to turn back around. Just as Raphael was about to ask him what was going on, Simon stepped in closer to kiss him in a way that they had never kissed one another.

When they pulled apart, Simon refused to allow Raphael to talk yet. "As long as you're being honest, I guess I should be honest with you, too." Simon was absolutely thrilled to see the excitement that was already in Raphael's eyes intensify. "You're a very stupid Daylighter if you don't think I love you, too, Santiago."

Before Simon could say anything else, Raphael immediately walked past him, holding onto his hand and leading him back the way they had come. Simon was fairly certain he heard Raphael mutter something close to, "I need to get you home," but he was too caught up in the emotions coursing through him to focus on anything other than following Raphael home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side note, the next one will hurt a lot, but the next chapter is my favorite that I've written of this so far!  
> Until tomorrow, come talk to me! I'd love to hear your ideas and thoughts!


	5. E: Edom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a retelling of the events at the end of City of Heavenly Fire.
> 
> I am very, very (not) sorry for this!

"They kidnapped who?" Simon had heard Jace perfectly, he just didn't want to believe that anything was actually happening. Jace didn't repeat what he had just said, understanding that Simon needed a few moments to process what was going on. The problem was that there was no way Simon was going to be able to process the fact that Raphael had been taken, along with Meliorn, Jocelyn, Luke, and Magnus, by Sebastian. Simon glanced over at Alec who looked as though he had purposely wiped his face clear of emotion.

It was obvious that Clary was trying to say something to him, but Simon couldn't focus on her words. He turned from her and began walking, although he had no idea where he was going. He had been a fool to think that he and Raphael could ever be happy together. He had let himself believe that everything was going to be fine, that they were going to get to start over together. Apparently, he had been desperately wrong.

Simon walked for a few minutes before he heard someone coming up behind him. For a few moments, he thought of ignoring whoever it was, but when he heard Alec call out his name, he couldn't ignore the blatant pain that was in Alec's voice. Hearing the pain was like hearing the pain in his own heart, so he slowed down and waited for Alec to catch up.

"Simon, can you stop for just a second, please?" Simon obliged, mostly because he was unsure Alec had ever said "please" to him before. "I understand what you're feeling, I'm feeling the exact same way right now, but I need you to turn around and come back. We're going to find out where they are, we're going to get them back. There isn't any other option." The tone to Alec's voice implied that he knew perfectly well what the other option was but that he was purposely ignoring it.

Without saying a word, Simon turned and began following Alec back the way he had come. When Alec began speaking again, Simon almost turned and ran away once more. He did not want to face the situation that they were currently in. "In some ways, I sort of selfishly think I'm the one hurting the most here. At least Raphael knows that you love him. Magnus might die with the knowledge that the last huge thing that happened between us was me trying to take his immortality."

At that, Simon finally found his voice once more. "Alec, Magnus knows you love him. No matter what happened, he knows that. But that's beside the point because you just said that there is no option other than getting them back." He risked a glance at Alec who was smiling slightly, as though if he were to do anything else he would break down.  
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When the Seelie Queen had admitted that Meliorn could lie, when they had found out that Meliorn was the one who had betrayed them and helped lead the kidnapping, Simon had wanted nothing more than to rip his throat out. His wish for murder in that moment was so strong that it terrified him. All he could think of was the possibility that Raphael was already dead and the fact that it was all due to Meliorn.

Simon couldn't help but feel a bitter relief when Alec's arrow pierced Meliorn's heart. He knew it was wrong, he knew that he shouldn't have been so terribly filled with content at the thought of Meliorn's death, but he allowed himself to feel it anyway. He figured he was allowed to give himself a bit of leeway considering the current situation.

It was only once they were "safe" in the cave in Edom that Simon allowed himself to separate from the others and spend some time allowing his mind to think of all the things he hadn't wanted to think of before then. The more time Simon spent by himself, the worse things became, the darker his mind got. He was considering going back into the main cave where the others were when he heard footsteps coming toward him. He automatically knew that if it was Jace coming toward him that he was going to get up and go wherever he had to in order to get away.

Surprisingly, it was Alec walking toward him, his shoulders just as slumped as Simon felt. Without a word, he sat down beside of Simon, leaning his head back against the cave wall and closing his eyes. "The worst part is not knowing, isn't it?" When Simon didn't respond, Alec continued, his voice tight and controlled. "Anything could be happening to them. Anything could have already happened to them, and we won't have any idea of any of it until we get there." Simon was slightly relieved to hear his own thoughts come from someone else.

"I've been thinking about that a lot," he said, looking down at his feet. "I don't think Sebastian would outright kill them. He knew they're his bargaining pieces. He wants Clary, so if he kills any of them, he knows, or at least, he should know that she'd never forgive him." He paused for a moment, then chuckled slightly. "Not that she'd ever forgive him for what he's already done, but mad men rarely have the same logic, do they?"

Simon finally risked a glance at Alec, his face just as tight as his voice. "The thing is, you would know if Raphael was dead," Alec replied, surprising Simon more than anything else. "Magnus once told me that vampires will physically feel the pain when their sires die." Simon almost winced at the way Alec's voice cracked at Magnus's name. He hadn't heard this particular fact before, but he doubted that Magnus would have made something like that up.

"I just wish that was encouraging at all," he said, and was surprised when Alec chuckled. Before Alec could say anything else, however, Simon found himself speaking once more despite what his mind was telling him. "Magnus is fine, trust me. If any of them is going to get out of this, it's Magnus." At that, Alec smiled and got up, leaving without another word. Simon decided he might as well follow and at least attempt to get some sleep.  
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Everything was relatively fine, until Simon found himself doubled over in pain, feeling as though his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. It felt as though he was being deprived of breath, but that didn't make any sense because he didn't need breath in the first place. He thought he was going to be sick, he thought he was going to scream, and he had no idea why.

At least, Simon had no idea why, until he looked up at Alec who was staring at him with a mixture of fear and sympathy. He was already on his hands and knees, but when Simon realized what was going on, he bent over even further, his head nearly hitting the ground. No. This was not happening. There was absolutely no way that Alec could be right. There had to be some other explanation to what was going on.

Simon barely heard Clary's voice as she began asking what was wrong. "Clary," it was Alec's decisive voice that finally cut her off. "It's Raphael." What he said was so simple, so straightforward, but Simon absolutely refused to believe it. There was no way there could be anything wrong with Raphael. There had to be something wrong with him. It would be much less painful if there was something wrong with him instead.

But even as Simon was thinking it, the pain was beginning to subside, and he couldn't deny the fact that Alec was right. The physical pain might have been subsiding, but Simon felt a whole new wave of pain was washing through him. Somehow, this sort of pain was much worse than the physical pain, so he remained where he was.

There were several moments of silence, and that was a relief to Simon, but before long, the others were trying to comfort him, the last thing he wanted anyone to do. Finally, it was Alec who came to his rescue once more. "Stop. All of you. Get away from him; let him be alone." Alec's voice was so final that everyone actually listened to him for once.

Simon knew that hours passed before he got up again and actually said anything at all. Alec had stayed near him without crowding him, his silent support meaning more than Simon felt Alec would ever know. "I'm sure Magnus is fine," was the first thing that Simon said. Alec just looked up and incline his head in acknowledgement, knowing that Simon had no more idea of what was going on than any of the rest of them did.

The only thing Simon could do was take a walk around the caves, the pain still continually rolling over him in waves. Just when the pain would begin to ebb away, Simon would see Raphael's face in his mind, as clear as any picture could have been, and he would feel dizzy with pain and grief all over again.  
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"I'll do it. I am willing." Simon didn't really truly understand what made him say that. He had an idea; he knew it was most likely about Raphael. Since Raphael died, Simon found that everything he did somehow connected to Raphael. He wasn't entirely sure of how what he was about to do connected to Raphael, but he knew it had to in some way.

The problem was that Simon couldn't allow himself to sit by and watch Alec's heart break in the way that his had been broken. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself for letting that happen to Alec when he was the one who could have stopped it. He felt his own heart breaking all over again as he watched Magnus and Alec cling desperately to one another, and that was when he knew he had to do it.

Simon sat by and watched as the others began arguing over whether or not he could take the fall for Magnus. The problem with that was the fact that he had already done so. But the longer they argued, the more annoyed he became. "I don't want my immortality if I can't share eternity with Raphael," he finally blurted out. At least he had now figured out exactly why he was doing this.

He hated the way Magnus and Alec turned to look at him with such pity. He didn't want pity; pity wouldn't change anything at all; pity wouldn't bring Raphael back to him. The next couple of minutes were a blur as Asmodeus began talking about taking his memories and putting him back in the mundane world. Simon sensed an argument coming again, so he quickly put it to rest. "Maybe it's better that way," he said. "Less pain."

Simon closed his eyes as Asmodeus began smiling, signaling that he was about to close the deal. The last thing Simon allowed himself to see in his mind was Raphael's smile. Then he gladly let the numbness of the spell wash over him, allowing himself to think, I'll always be yours, Raphael Santiago, one last time.


	6. F: Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I wrote this a while ago, I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it, so let me know your thoughts!

Raphael didn't really entirely understand what he was doing knocking on Magnus's door at three in the morning. He knew Magnus was likely going to murder him for waking him up at this time, but he hadn't really thought of what he was doing until he had already begun knocking. He could easily have walked away and just pretended that nothing had happened, but something caused him to stay, and he wasn't quite sure of what it was.

It was hard work to convince Magnus to let him in at this time, but Raphael eventually found himself sitting on Magnus's sofa, wondering what on earth he was really doing there. Magnus seemed to be wondering the exact same thing based on his current expression. Raphael fidgeted a moment but was spared saying anything by the sound of Alec walking into the living room.

"Is there an emergency?" he asked, his voice practically clothed with sleep. Raphael almost felt sorry for waking them up, but then he figured that Shadowhunters were used to it, so he sort of shoved his guilt aside.

"I was wondering the same thing, Alexander," Magnus said, his voice tight. He didn't take his eyes off of Raphael, who was a bit weary of stating what was going on in front of Alec. The only problem was that he knew Magnus well enough to know that he would sit there and wait for as long as he had to. As Alec took a seat beside of Magnus, Raphael realized that there was now no getting out of any part of the situation.

"I have a problem," he stated, trying to remain as calm as possible. The problem was that he had no idea what his emotions were doing. Raphael had spent years knowing exactly what he felt and when he felt it. But right now, he couldn't even begin to understand what his heart was doing. He didn't even have an idea of why he was at Magnus's, much less what his heart was telling him. "I cannot explain my emotions," he finished, looking down at his hands to avoid the looks he got from Magnus and Alec.

For a few long moments, Magnus remained absolutely silent, which would have been fine, if Raphael didn't know that a silent Magnus was the absolute worst. "Excuse me?" Magnus asked, and Raphael almost smiled at the confusion in his tone. If only what he was currently feeling was laughable in any way.

He shifted in his seat before responding, carefully thinking through every word. "What I am currently feeling is extremely new to me and I am afraid that I need help in learning how to deal with it." Raphael risked a glance up and immediately regretted it. Possibly the worst decision he had ever made was coming to Magnus with this, but he realized that Magnus was the only one he would ever have trusted with any matter of the sort.

"Let me see if I've got this right," Magnus began, and Raphael wanted nothing more than to get up and leave. "You have woken me up at three in the morning so that you could talk to me about your feelings?" At that, Raphael did get up from the couch, making his way toward the door.

"Sorry, forget about it," he mumbled. "I'll figure it out." Just as he was about to place his hand on the doorknob, he heard one of them get up from the couch. He paused, long enough for Alec to surprise him by calling out to him.

"Raphael, wait," Alec seemed unsure of himself, and Raphael had to admit that he felt the same way. "Is this about Simon?" he asked, and Raphael's hand dropped to his side more out of surprise than anything. He hadn't really expected Alec to catch on faster than Magnus, and definitely hadn't expected Alec to care one way or the other.

Turning around, Raphael tried to erase the surprise from his face, but he knew he was likely failing at it. Before he could respond, Alec continued, looking as though he wished he hadn't said anything at all. "It's just that I've been noticing how you are with him, and if this is what it is, then we'll both talk to you about it. You know how Magnus is; he'd rather eat fire than admit that he cares for most people."

At that, Raphael finally did laugh, allowing himself to relax a bit in the process. He breathed a sigh of relief as Magnus inclined his head and motioned for him to take a seat once more. Raphael couldn't help but look down at his hands again, still not quite sure how to put anything in words, not sure of where to go or what to do.

Magnus sighed and leaned forward before asking the question Raphael had been avoiding. "Let me clarify things, you think you have feelings for Simon but you can't quite make sense of them?" The only thing Raphael could do was nod in agreement. He had been avoiding admitting this to himself, and he wasn't sure he could quite say it yet.

"And what do you plan to do about it, exactly?" Magnus said, reminding Raphael of the next question that had been haunting him lately. He leaned forward and placed his head in his hands, trying to resist the urge to massage his temples. That was a very bad habit for someone who no longer got headaches.

"Is 'nothing' an appropriate answer?" he responded, causing Alec to laugh and Magnus to sigh once more. Raphael didn't want to even face the fact that he was falling for Simon, much less face the thought of actually acting on his feelings.

When he risked a glance upward again, he realized that Magnus's expression was now much more amused than tired or angry. "No, Raphael, it is definitely not an appropriate answer." He paused for a second before asking another question. "What makes you say that you're confused about this?"

That was the entire reason Raphael was there in the first place, and it made him want to scream. Instead, he leveled his voice as he responded, "All my life, I thought myself incapable of loving anyone in a romantic sort of way." He had no idea what was causing him to be so honest, but even the thought of Simon seemed to have that effect on him. "Being with Simon makes me feel as though I have found the home I have been searching for. And frankly, I do not know what to do with myself because of it."

For a few moments, Magnus simply stared back it him, an unreadable expression on his face. "Tell him that," was all that he said, but it seemed to hit home with Raphael. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was in the wrong place. Before he could get up and fix that slight mistake, however, Magnus spoke once more. "I think, Raphael, that you're going to find Simon is a lot more receptive to this than you think he will be."

This confused Raphael slightly, so he refrained from getting up and simply raised an eyebrow in question. "Alec said that he's noticed the way you are with Simon," Magnus began to clarify. "Well, let's just say that I've noticed the way Simon is with you." Raphael couldn't help but smile at the thought of it, but he finally did allow himself to get up from the couch.

"Thank you for helping me with this," he said, turning away from Magnus and Alec. "But I think it's high time I go sort this out." He reached for the doorknob once again, this time resolving to find Simon no matter how long it might take him. "I think I must finally let Simon know that I am falling for him and see if he will be so kind as to catch me."


	7. G: Guilt

Simon woke up to find that Raphael was not beside him, something that filled him with unease seeing as it was the middle of the day. He'd given up on his daytime schedule when he and Raphael had gotten together, knowing how much it hurt Raphael that he couldn't follow Simon into the sun. He knew that it could have possibly been some sort of emergency with the clan that got Raphael out of bed in the middle of the day, but Simon doubted this, knowing that he would have woken up as well if that had been the case.

For a few long moments, Simon considered going back to sleep. It wasn't that he didn't want to make sure Raphael was okay, but it was that he figured if Raphael was up, he had a reason for it and likely wanted to be alone. The thought that finally made Simon get up was the thought that Raphael might actually need him. No matter how much Raphael wanted to be alone, Simon knew there were times when he didn't need to be alone.

It didn't take Simon long to find Raphael. He was curled up on the couch, and Simon would have thought he looked feverish if vampires had the ability to get fevers. It looked as though he had gotten up and become worked up over something, then he had fallen asleep once again after that.

Simon considered waking him up to see what was going on, but before he could decide one way or the other, it became terribly obvious that Raphael was having some sort of nightmare. He shifted nervously a couple of times, and Simon would have left him alone if he hadn't begun talking in his sleep. "I didn't mean it, Simon, I didn't mean it." Simon quickly moved to his side, trying to find the best way to gently wake him. "Simon, I'm sorry."

"Raphael," Simon tried to keep his voice soft as he gently shook Raphael. "I'm right here, Raphael." Despite his best efforts, Raphael still woke with a start, automatically clutching Simon's hand in a way that made a lump form in Simon's throat. He was unsure Raphael had ever apologized to him for anything, and the fact that Raphael currently looked so disgruntled made things much more confusing for him.

Since Simon had no idea whether or not Raphael remembered anything he had just said, he avoided that entirely, giving Raphael's hand a squeeze and trying to keep his voice light. "What's wrong, Raph? You look horrible." To Simon's surprise, this made Raphael crack a smile.

"Thanks for the uplifting comment, Lewis," he said, but Simon could tell that his heart wasn't in the sarcasm in the way that it generally was. Simon moved to throw his legs across Raphael's, leaning his shoulder on the couch so that he could look at Raphael and also insure that Raphael couldn't somehow escape the conversation.

Instead of responding, Simon simply waited for Raphael to actually answer his question, knowing that Raphael would continue if he waited long enough. Finally, Raphael sighed and spoke again. "It was just a nightmare, Simon." This would have been an acceptable response if Raphael hadn't randomly been on the couch in the first place.

"Raph, please don't lie to me. First of all, you're on the couch, and I'd kind of like to know why." Simon decided, against his better judgement, that he had better just be honest with Raphael. He didn't want to risk not finding out exactly what was going on, and he knew that the best way to get Raphael to be honest was to admit to him exactly what he wanted.

"I got up because I couldn't stand to be beside of you anymore, Simon," Raphael said, his voice cold and hard. The weight of his words hit Simon so hard that he wasn't sure if he should get up and just leave or not. Before he had any amount of time to process anything that Raphael had just said, Raphael began speaking quickly, obviously trying to make amends.

"I didn't mean it like that, Simon. I couldn't stay there because of myself. Because of what I've done to you." At first, Simon was utterly confused. He had no idea what Raphael could have possibly been referring to. He had been nothing but happy since the two of them got together and he was quite unsure of what was going on.

Then everything began to fall into place in Simon's mind. Raphael wasn't talking about anything he had done recently. Based on everything that had just happen, Simon concluded that Raphael was talking about Turning Simon, and that was something that Simon didn't know how to handle. Looking into Raphael's eyes, he could see all the guilt and pain, and he knew that Raphael had never once expected to fall in love with the mundane boy he had Turned.

Raphael looked down at his hands in a way that made Simon want to do whatever it took to take the pain away. "Turning you, Simon, it's the one thing I regret most in life." At that, Simon was entirely unsure of what to do with himself. He reached over and placed his hand under Raphael's chin, slowly making Raphael turn to look at him once more.

"What makes you say that, Raph?" he asked, his voice slightly cracking on Raphael's name. He moved his hand up to move the hair out of Raphael's eyes. For some reason, this made Raphael look away from him once more, suddenly unable to make eye contact again.

"I've done to you exactly what was done to me." Raphael's voice was much weaker than Simon had ever heard it. "I took away the life you had, I took away exactly what was taken from me. I mean, look at you," he paused and finally looked over to weakly smile at Simon. "You're so innocent, you're so gentle, and I've turned you into the same kind of monster that I am."

For a few moments, Simon was unsure how to proceed. He knew that Raphael had never considered the consequences when he had Turned Simon, but now that they were together, he seemed to feel much differently about the entire situation. Before Simon could find the words to respond, Raphael spoke once more. "I never meant to fall in love with you, Simon. It just sort of happened one day, and I found myself looking back and wondering exactly how it happened. And now I cannot escape the guilt I feel for what I have done."

Not knowing what else to do, Simon reached over again and turned Raphael to him once more. Without thinking about anything at all, Simon leaned in to kiss Raphael, pouring everything he couldn't say into it. He knew he couldn't ever properly express how he felt, not in any words at least, so he tried to pour all of his feelings into his kiss, tried to show Raphael how he felt by his touch. His only hope was that it actually worked.

When they finally broke apart, Simon found Raphael looking back it him with an open expression filled with both love and pain. "Dios, Simon," he said, his voice softer than it had been before. "What was that for?" The question was something that Simon was unsure he could answer, but he figured he had to try.

"You think that what you've done to me is the worst thing you could have done, right?" Simon waited for Raphael to nod before continuing. "You're feeling guilty because you think that you've destroyed my life. What you don't realize, Raph, is that you've given me so much more than you've taken away." Simon was mildly amused by the look of confusion Raphael gave him.

"If you hadn't Turned me, would we be together right now?" Simon waited for that question to sink in before he smiled and continued speaking. "Raphael, I'm fairly certain that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. If you hadn't Turned me, I wouldn't have you, and I'm not sure where I would have ended up without you. Sure, maybe I used to wish that I had never been Turned, but now that I have you, I wouldn't give it up for the world."

Several moments stretched out before Raphael made any sort of response at all. When he finally did, it was to lean back over to Simon and press their lips together once more. This time, Simon felt all of the things that Raphael himself wanted to say but didn't know how to express. He halfway smiled and focused on speaking back to Raphael with their kiss, knowing that as long as he could do so that he would never allow himself to lose Raphael in any way.


	8. H: Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait until the page break, I promise it's about Saphael!
> 
> Let me know what you thought about it! I really enjoyed writing this chapter!

Simon was sitting across the table from Clary, munching on chips and arguing over the significance of his latest match of D&D. They were waiting on Isabelle and Alec to show up so that they could go meet Jace at Java Jones. Simon couldn't help but smile at the way Clary was smiling and laughing, her laugh being one of the few things that could ever make him smile without a second thought.

"So Simon," she said, obviously looking to change the conversation. "What exactly do you have planned for this weekend?" Simon chuckled at that. She'd been trying to get him to tell her what his plans were through various tactics for the past three weeks, and he'd yet to give in to her. She wanted to know what they were going to do for their anniversary, but he had sworn an oath of silence, and he had no intention of breaking that personal vow.

Just as he was about to respond, the door opened and Alec and Isabelle walked in. Simon paused for a moment as he stood up. Something seemed off about Alec and Izzy, but Simon couldn't seem to place exactly what it was. He shrugged it off and walked around the table to wrap his arms around Clary. "We ready?" he asked.

When Clary turned around in his arms to press her lips to his, Simon couldn't help but smile. When they pulled apart, Clary lightly smacked him, most likely due to the fact that he often smiled when they kissed, causing them to have to break apart. This time, however, something seemed wrong to him, much in the same way that something felt off about Alec and Izzy, but again, Simon couldn't place it at all. Simon looked over just in time to see Alec and Isabelle exchange slightly amused looks before turning to walk back out of the door.

The sun outside was so bright that it made Simon feel as though it was a summer day instead of the middle of winter. The bite in the air, however, was the kind that made him sleepy, and he couldn't wait to get to Java Jones and wake himself up with some caffeine. "So, what do you have planned for this weekend, Simon?" Alec asked as they walked toward the coffee shop.

The amused and mischievous tone to Alec's voice made Simon want to slap the smile off of his face. "Nothing to concern yourself with, Lightwood," he replied, trying to keep a smile off of his own face. He didn't really know when he and Alec became friends, especially after they had started out basically hating one another, but he was happy that it had finally happened.

Once inside Java Jones, Simon became slightly disoriented, somehow feeling like there was something missing out of the entire picture. There was nothing particularly wrong, per se, but Simon felt that something was just off, and he couldn't pinpoint what it was. "Everything okay?" Alec asked, closely watching Simon sip on his coffee.

"I was just wondering where Magnus was," he said, finally giving in to the feelings that were bothering him. That's when everyone around the table fell silent, all of them looking at him as though he had suddenly grown a second head.

"Dude, not cool at all," Jace said, only serving to confuse Simon even more. When Simon's look of confusion didn't seem to clear up at all, Jace spoke once more, his voice lower than it had been before. "They broke up like three weeks ago, not a cool move." Simon felt his brows furrow at that. There was definitely something wrong here.

"What about Raphael?" he asked. "Where is he?" At that, everyone's expressions turned just as confused as Simon felt. It was then that it hit Simon that none of the others had any runes on them. "Where are your runes?" he asked, his anxiety building by the second. "And why the hell can I actually eat food?"

After another few moments of confusion, Clary finally responded. "Well, first of all, Raphael isn't here because you two hate each other more than I've ever seen two people hate one another. And second, I think you might be sick, Simon, because you're not making sense anymore." Simon reached up to feel for his fangs and found absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

Simon abruptly got up from his stead, hastily backing away from the table and running into a waitress with a tray full of coffees.  
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Simon woke with a gasp, reaching for Raphael purely out of reflex. The only thing Simon succeeded in doing was waking Raphael up in much the same manner that he himself had woken. "What the hell?" Raphael said, sitting up in bed. Simon couldn't seem to find any words; he couldn't even seem to catch his breath. Which was ironic, considering the fact that he didn't need any breath at all.

When Raphael seemed to realize that Simon was entirely too worked up about something, he softened his voice and spoke once more. "Simon, what's wrong?" he asked, his voice much more gentle than Simon had ever heard it before. He leaned back in Raphael's arms, shutting his eyes and trying to focus more on Raphael's touch than anything else.

"It was my dream," Simon replied after several long moments of silence. "It was more like a nightmare, actually," he finished, still trying to grasp exactly what had happened in the dream. "All of us were human. Even the Shadowhunters. Which would have been fine, but I was dating Clary. And I started to realize things were really wrong when I asked where Magnus was and they told me he and Alec weren't together." He could feel Raphael's amusement, but he continued anyway, knowing that the rest of it was the worst for him.

"Then when I asked about you, they said that we hated each other." Simon wanted to say more, but he stopped, unsure of how to continue. To Simon's surprise, Raphael tightened his arms around him, reaching around him to quickly kiss his cheek. It was a gesture that Raphael rarely ever made, and it hit Simon in an emotional sort of way.

"That's how you know it's a dream, Simon," Raphael replied, his voice still amazingly gentle in a way that made Simon feel as though this moment itself might be a dream as well. "I could never hate you. Not in another universe. Not in another dimension. Never." Simon tried to let Raphael's voice wash over him, he tried to listen to him without question, but the wake of the dream was still too overwhelming.

Raphael remained silent for a few moments before he spoke again. "Sometimes I feel like our life together is a dream itself." Simon turned as much as he could to face Raphael, his question open on his face. "The best kind of dream, Simon, that's the kind of dream this feels like. No one's ever made me this exceedingly happy before."

The fact that Raphael rarely admitted when someone made him anything other than angry or annoyed made Simon want to lengthen the moment for as long as possible. "Don't repeat that to anyone, Lewis," Raphael whispered in his ear. Simon's breath that wasn't really there somehow caught when Raphael placed a kiss on his neck.

Simon twisted in Raphael's arms without a second thought, lifting Raphael's face to his. "If this is a dream, Raphael, I never want it to end," he said before his lips found Raphael's and he was lost in a wave of love, quickly pulled under by Raphael's touch.


	9. I: Inhuman

Simon felt as though he was going to throw up. He couldn't catch his breath, which was ironic, considering the fact that he no longer needed his breath. He had no idea whether or not a vampire could hyperventilate, but he was willing to bet that he was currently on his way to that fate. His body was rapidly going through the motions of breathing over and over again. Not that he was getting much out of it.

He'd been a vampire for a months now, and it still seemed like everything he did reminded him of the monster he now was. Simon was quickly becoming afraid that he would never again be able think of himself as anything other than a monster, and the fact that nights like these were becoming far too frequent did not help his case at all.

Being holed up in his room at the Dumort was not exactly the most comforting thing, not when Simon was not even comfortable enough to at least curl up on the bed. He was in the floor behind the bed, knees to his chest, arms around his legs, attempting to read a book and forget the world around him. The problem was that he'd picked up a random book out of Raphael's collection and it was not helping to distract him in any way. It was, in fact, doing quite the opposite. Simon supposed that was mostly because the very ordinary lives of the book's characters were only making him feel worse about his own life.

Simon realized he'd read the same page five times and he still didn't know what happened, but he knew that no amount of will was likely to make him able to focus. He couldn't keep himself from thinking about Raphael either, which was almost as infuriating as thinking about himself was. A couple of days ago, Raphael had asked him out, and for a reason that he would never begin to fathom, he had said no. Simon was self-aware enough to realize that it didn't truly have anything to do with Raphael.

When Clary had asked him why he had said no, Simon wasn't able to clearly articulate absolutely any of his feelings. On nights like these, however, it was very easy for him to see exactly what was going on in his mind. It wasn't that he didn't think Raphael was dateable. The problem was that he now found himself wholly undateable. Looking in the mirror, Simon could now only see the monster he had become, and that was why he knew he would never date anyone again, no matter how long his life stretched into eternity.

Suddenly, Simon threw the book he was holding at the wall, all of his emotions flowing into that one motion. Not for the first time, he wished beyond belief that he could turn back time, that he could someone find a way to become anything other than what he was now. Not for the first time, Simon wished he had died rather than been Turned.

Before Simon cold make another move, the door creaked open ever so slightly. Simon was on the far side of the room, but he didn't need to turn around to know that it was Raphael. "Go away," he said through gritted teeth. Simon sighed when he didn't hear footsteps, knowing that he was likely already in over his head for the night. "I said go away, Raphael. Don't make me say it again."

At that, Simon heard a muffled chuckle followed by footsteps that led into the room. Simon quickly reached over to pick up the book and chuck it behind his head. He heard Raphael stifle a laugh once more, only serving to make him angrier. Simon heard Raphael sit down on the other side of the bed, and he knew that there was nothing he could do to get out of the coming conversation.

"Why are you in here alone?" Raphael asked, speaking slowly, as if he didn't want to say the wrong thing. Simon couldn't help but snort at Raphael's question. He waited as long as he possibly could before answering Raphael in any form. He did refuse, however, to get off of the floor. He refused to so much as turn to look at Raphael.

"I am in here alone because I wish to be alone. Really, I thought that was pretty self-explanatory." Simon was not dumb enough to think that Raphael's following silence was a sign that he might have gotten out of the conversation more quickly than he had thought he would. It seemed as though Raphael was thinking the situation through, and Simon didn't really care to know his exact thoughts.

"That would be an acceptable answer, Lewis," Raphael began, keeping his tone far too even to be natural. "If it wasn't so obvious that you weren't shaking right now." Simon looked down at his hands, so surprised that he wasn't able to hide his surprise. This was something he hadn't realized, and the fact that Raphael was pointing it out only made things worse.

Simon put his hands on his knees, trying to slow the shaking or at least make it less noticeable. "I'm fine," he said, trying to put force behind his words. But even Simon could tell that his heart just wasn't in it. He knew he wasn't as fine as he wanted Raphael to believe, but having Raphael so near to him was causing his emotions to well up once again, and he didn't want to confront any of it, especially not in front of Raphael.

Raphael, however, seemed to have a different idea about that. "Do not lie to me, Simon. Even after months, you still feel like a monster. You hate the sight of yourself, the thought of who you are now. You think that because you no longer love yourself that you are incapable of being loved by anyone." Simon remained silent, mostly because Raphael's words were almost exactly what was going through his mind at the moment.

When Simon didn't move make any sort of response, Raphael continued, his voice suddenly filled with a sort of emotion that Simon couldn't seem to name. "You're in here alone because you don't want others to see how your world is crashing down around you." At that, Simon suddenly became inexplicably angry. He shot up from the floor, whirling on Raphael faster than he remembered that he could.

"What could you possibly know about how I feel?" he practically growled through gritted teeth. "You don't know anything about me or what I'm going through." Simon stuffed his hands into his pockets, trying to calm the shaking that he knew was growing worse.

For a few moments, Raphael sat on the bed, calmly staring back at Simon. When he finally spoke once more, his voice was an icy and closed off sort of calm. "What could I know about how you feel?" he asked, his face void of any emotion. "You're right, what could I possibly know about the feeling of being unwillingly torn from your life? What could I possibly know about being turned into the sort of unlovable monster you had always believed was worthless? You're right, Simon. I couldn't ever understand those feelings."

Raphael's words were simple, there was no added emotion to what he was saying, but the hit Simon harder than he could have imagined possible. He'd been so blinded by his own situation that he hadn't stopped to think of what he was actually saying and who he was saying it to. Simon abruptly sat down on the bed beside of Raphael, all of the energy draining out of him at once.

"I can help you, Simon. If you'd let me." Without thinking about it, Simon looked over at Raphael, knowing his expression was full of surprise. He'd never heard such softness or kindness from Raphael that he wasn't entirely sure how to respond. "You're not unlovable. You're not a monster. But most of all, Lewis, you're not alone."

For a few moments, Simon couldn't do anything other than stare at Raphael for even longer. Before he could respond, Raphael was speaking once more, almost seemingly not even thinking about what he was saying. "You think you're damned, you think that just because you've been turned into your worst nightmare that you're everyone's worst nightmare. Let me be the one to let you know that you are the complete opposite of a nightmare to me."

This confused Simon, considering the fact that it seemingly came out of nowhere. He sort of guessed that it wasn't out of nowhere and that he was most likely entirely oblivious to what was going on. "You feel inhuman, and that's fine," Raphael said. "But your entrance into the Shadow World has been more like a dream to me than a nightmare."

Simon finally looked over to smile at him, relaxing for the first time in almost a week. "If that's the case, Raphael, then I think I better reconsider declining your date offer." When Raphael looked equally as surprised as Simon felt, Simon figured he'd better continue. "I'm not promising you anything. I'm not saying that I suddenly feel much better or that my emotions are suddenly perfect again. But I am saying that I'll give you a chance."

At that, Raphael's face lit up in a way that Simon had never seen it, and it warmed him up more than he would have thought possible. Raphael stood up and moved to exit the room. "One last thing," he said, turning back toward Simon with a flourish. "If you ever tell another soul, living or undead, that I said any of those things, I will be the cause of your second death."

When Simon began laughing, which was like a breath of fresh air after breathing in smoke for hours, he barely heard Raphael saying, "Be ready by midnight tomorrow," as he finally left the room. It was then that Simon's thoughts finally turned from his panic over what had happened to him to his panic over the coming night. He reached over to pick up his phone and dial Clary's number, already thinking of ways to get her to come over in the middle of the night and help him find something to wear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sorry for the angst! (It kinda comes with the fact that some of you have given me the title "the Queen of Angst" but I will try to write some funnier stories for this alphabet too!
> 
> Love you all, and thank you for all your support!


	10. J: Jail

Simon was startled out of his reading by the shrill ring of his cell phone. Had it been a few months earlier, he would have expected the call to be from Clary. But now he realized that it was nearing four thirty in the morning and that Clary knew he was rarely able to easily leave the Dumort. His next thought was that it was Isabelle or even potentially Magnus or Alec. They could have been on a patrol; they could have had some sort of emergency. But Simon knew he was likely the last person they would ask for help. After all, he wasn't exactly accustomed to his vampire senses and strengths enough to do anything other than watch other, more experience people do the work.

Looking down at his phone, Simon was still surprised to see Raphael's name on the screen, even though he had ruled out every other viable option. At first, Simon considered declining the call. Then he thought much better of that idea. Better to be yelled at over the phone than to be yelled at overtime in person. Simon hit the answer button and brought the phone to his ear. "Hello? Raphael?" he said, and anxiously waited, entirely sure that he had done something terribly wrong.

"Simon? I, um, I'm afraid I need to ask you for a favor." Simon took the phone away from his ear and looked at it in confusion. Was Raphael prank calling him? That seemed the only logical explanation to Simon because he knew there was absolutely no way that Raphael had just asked him for help in any capacity. "Simon? I don't have time for this. Say 'yes' if you are still there."

Simon shook his head and finally answered. "Yes, Raphael, I'm here. Where are you?" Simon could hear fairly strange noises coming from the other end of the phone, but he had no idea what was going on. He hoped that Raphael didn't want him to do anything particularly awful. Simon was the "newbie," so he couldn't possibly want Simon to do anything out of the ordinary.

"I need you to swear to me that you will not utter a word of this to anyone at the Dumort. If you agree to this, do not say anything. I do not have time for an excess of words." When Simon remained silent, Raphael continued, his tone hinted with something that Simon couldn't pin down. "I, well, I'm currently in jail, and I need you to get some of my money and come bail me out." Simon looked at the phone once more, so confused as to what was going on.

"You're in….mundane jail? Correct?" Simon attempted to clarify. What could Raphael possibly have done to land himself in mundane jail? Simon doubted that Raphael had been put into jail based on the fact that he was extremely annoying. It was then that Simon realized Raphael was embarrassed, and he forced himself to keep from bringing that up.

The phone was silent for a few moments, then Raphael's strained voice spoke up again. "That is correct, Simon. Now I need you to go get the money and come get me. Please prove to me that you are not as useless as I think you are." Simon resisted the urge to look at the phone once more; he was pretty sure it was painful for Raphael to say the word 'please.'

That thought combined with the thought of what Raphael could have possibly done to end up in jail caused Simon to start to laugh. "You're in jail, and you used your one phone call to call me?" Simon couldn't keep himself from laughing any longer. "I think hell is currently freezing over," he said through his laughter.

It was as though Simon could hear Raphael wanting to strangle him. "What exactly did you do, Raphael? How on earth did such an important vampire land himself in mundane jail?" Even as he said it, Simon was going to find the money Raphael was talking about. Part of his "training" had been teaching him about the whereabouts of everything he could possibly need in the hotel.

"Dios, Lewis, I swear if you do not just get down here I will personally murder you." Simon could tell that Raphael was restraining himself as much as possible, only serving to further amuse him. For a few moments, Simon wondered why Raphael hadn't called Magnus or someone he was actually semi close to.

"Alright, alright, Raphael. But if I do this for you, you're going to owe me something." Walking out of the Dumort, Simon tried to keep himself from laughing once more, knowing that Raphael was fairly close to strangling him once he got there.

As Simon found himself beginning to smile, he heard Raphael's decisive and somewhat anxious voice coming back at him once more. "For the love of God, I will do whatever you ask of me. Just get here quickly because you will have a lot of explaining to do if the sun comes up while I am here." With that, Raphael ended the call, and Simon found himself laughing harder than he had in weeks.  
.  
.  
.  
The ordeal at the police station was cleared up a lot faster than Simon had thought it would have been, and as Simon risked a sideways glance at Raphael as they were walking down the street toward the Dumort, he couldn't help but smiling. "What on earth do you want now?" Raphael asked, only causing Simon's smile to widen.

"I was just thinking about that favor you owe me," Simon responded, loving the look of surprise that immediately sprang across Raphael's face. When Simon had told Raphael that he would owe him, he hadn't really had any idea of what he really wanted. Now, walking back to the Dumort, Simon knew the one thing he wanted that would annoy Raphael the most. "You've got yourself a date for tomorrow night. Be ready by one."

This time, the look on Raphael's face was even more amusing. Raphael stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Simon as though he had just said he was no longer a vampire. "Don't give me that look," Simon said, his amusement only growing. "You said you would do anything for me if I just came and bailed you out. That's what I want." Raphael angrily brushed past him, but that didn't discourage Simon at all. "Look, Raphael, it's just one date. I know you don't have that much patience, but even you can put up with me for one night."

Raphael stopped once more and turned back to Simon, holding up a hand as he did so. "Stop talking. Now," he said, but Simon could tell that his heart wasn't really into the anger any longer. "You are so annoying," Raphael continued, almost as though he was talking to himself. "And the most annoying thing is that I actually want to spend every irritating minute of tomorrow with you."

Now it was Simon's turn to look at Raphael with an utterly surprised expression. This surprise, however, quickly turned into one far too enormous smile as Simon realized that Raphael had been serious in saying this. Raphael started to walk away, but he quickly turned back once more. "Do not ever repeat what I just said to anyone. Ever. Or I will murder you."

Simon followed as Raphael finally began walking once more, breathlessly laughing despite himself. "If you murder me, they'll put you back in jail, Santiago." Simon could practically feel Raphael rolling his eyes without so much as a sideways glance over at him.

"Do not underestimate me, Lewis," Raphael said, his own amusement finally showing in his voice. "I know many different ways to cover up a murder, especially so that the mundanes never know of it." Simon wanted to risk another glance over, but he didn't need to do so to know that Raphael was smiling.

"Tell me this, though," Simon said, pushing his luck for the night. "What on earth did you do to get thrown into jail?" He felt Raphael stiffen up beside of him, and he had the feeling that he would likely never know exactly what had happened.

"I'll tell you what, Simon," Raphael responded, his voice becoming tight and controlled once more. "Don't entirely screw up our date, and I'll tell you what caused this unfortunate event." With that, Raphael fell silent, making Simon want to swear. He was entirely more likely to screw up their date than he was likely to keep from screwing it up.

Instead of responding to what Raphael had said, Simon decided to take a different route. "I don't think it was that unfortunate really. I mean, who knows, we may be together forever because of it." Simon knew there was no way of hiding his smile from Raphael, so he didn't even attempt to do so.

Raphael chuckled softly, allowing Simon to relax ever so slightly. "Do not scare me like that, Lewis. Say too many terrifying things like that and I may stand you up." Before Simon could say anything else, they walked up to the front door of the Dumort, and Simon knew it was time for Raphael to put up his leader persona again.

Instead of attempting to say respond to Raphael, Simon simply reached over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Dress to impress," he whispered before going through the door to the hotel and leaving Raphael outside. Had Simon turned around, he would have had the joy of watching Raphael try to compose himself once more as his expression unwillingly turned to that of someone who might have just discovered that they'd won the lottery.


	11. K: Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I start, the premise to this story is that Simon is still a Daylighter and that he was taken to Edom along with Raphael, Magnus, Jocelyn, and Luke!
> 
> Also, sorry not sorry for the major angst! I think it gets worse after I write something funny so that's awkward. (this is borderline the most angst-filled thing I have ever written...)
> 
> Let me know what you thought!

The last thing Simon remembered was being at the Council dinner. The next thing he knew, he was waking up to the sound of two people arguing. "No, there is no discussion to be had, Bane. I've decided, and that's the end of this." Simon heard Raphael speaking first, and it didn't at all surprise him that he and Magnus were arguing.

"I'm just saying that this is something Simon needs to be aware of," Magnus snapped back. At that, Simon tried to get up, but he was immediately forced back down by an agonizing pain in his side. Before he could do anything other than wince, Jocelyn was by his side, her expression filled with worry.

"Hold still, Simon," she said, her hands quickly working to do something that Simon couldn't see. "Raphael said you would need blood when you woke up, and I'm the only one whose blood you can safely drink, so here." Simon didn't have time to do anything to protest before Jocelyn's wrist was at his mouth.

When Simon was done drinking, which was just as uncomfortable as he had thought it would be, he was finally able to sit up and see what was going on. He must have looked as confused as he felt because Raphael immediately started explaining everything that had happened to land them in Edom with Sebastian. It was evident that Raphael had been hoping that this story would be enough to distract Simon from what they had been talking about before, but now it was Simon's turn to take over.

"When I woke up, Raphael, what were you telling Magnus that you were going to do?" Simon didn't exactly relish the look on Raphael's face when he asked this question. It was very apparent that Raphael wanted to avoid this question, but Simon kept his stare up, knowing that Raphael would give in if he just remained silent.

Before Raphael could respond at all, Sebastian entered the room with a flourish that reminded Simon far too much of an evil villain from almost any superhero movie he'd ever seen. "He's going to allow me to torture him, Daylighter," Sebastian said, his voice making chills run down Simon's back. "And let me tell you, I have got so many exciting ideas for that."

Simon couldn't help it, he looked over at Raphael with a mixture of surprise and anxiety that startled even himself. "Why the hell are you 'letting him' torture you? What's going on? What's he not telling me?" Simon saw Magnus avert his eyes, and he knew that something was obviously going on, something much more serious than he had first thought when he woke up.

Raphael lowered his eyes to the ground, rubbing his hands together nervously. "He wanted to torture you. So I told him no." Raphael's voice was so soft that Simon had trouble believing that Raphael had actually just said the things he had said. Raphael, sticking up for him? Raphael, protecting him? This couldn't actually be happening.

"Well," Sebastian said in a lazy sort of way that made Simon want to strangle him. "I'm going to leave this awkward situation. I'll be back once I've assembled my tools." The way Sebastian said the word "tools" made Simon nauseous. At Sebastian walked back out of the room, Simon turned back to Raphael, knowing that there was an unexplainable anger in his eyes.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" Simon could tell his voice was full of rage. "You've never shown me an ounce of kindness," he said, standing up and striding over to face Raphael. "Why would you ever think that I would believe you would be tortured for my sake? You must be more insane than I thought you were because I am having a very, very hard time figuring out what your motive is."

When Simon had finished speaking, he was confused to see Raphael and Magnus share a glance. He had no idea what was going on, but the only thing he could think was that Raphael had some sort of motive for saying that he was going to take the torture meant for Simon. Simon also couldn't get the keep the strange anxiety from bubbling up in his chest. How could he possibly be feeling anxiety at the thought of someone who had tried to murder him so many times being in pain?

After several agonizingly long seconds of silence, Magnus spoke up, his voice trained at Raphael. "Tell him, Santiago." There was such a gentle tone to Magnus's voice that it almost startled Simon. Raphael turned to look at Magnus as though he had asked Raphael to fly, and Simon's confusion only grew.

When Raphael turned back to speak to Simon again, the expression on his face had become far more guarded than Simon had ever seen it. "It has nothing to do with kindness. Not with me." A strange sort of rage flowed through Simon at how cryptic Raphael's words were, but he kept himself from saying anything at all. "I've never really been the best at expressing myself, especially at expressing my feelings. I'm sorry you don't see what this is about, but I'm doing it, and there's nothing that is going to stop me." Raphael held up his hand when Simon opened his mouth. "There will be no further discussion."  
.  
.  
.  
Simon was curled up in the corner of their holding cell type room, his head in his hands, attempting, and failing, to think about anything other than Raphael's screams. Trying, and failing, to keep from focusing on what Sebastian was saying to them as he came up with new and inventive ways to torture Raphael.

Sebastian originally entered with holy water, silver, and a rather large crucifix. The first thing he'd done was force Raphael to drink holy water, saying that Raphael needed to be "cleansed." Now, Sebastian was enjoying himself by finding new ways to torture Raphael that weren't immediately obvious. "We don't want to be cliché, now do we?" he asked.

When Magnus had tried to come over and talk to Simon, when he'd tried his hardest to comfort Simon, Simon had yelled at him to get away. He had no idea why he'd done this; it had been a reflex that he had no hope of understanding. "I've always wondered," Simon heard Sebastian saying. "What silver might do to a vampire if injected into the bloodstream." Simon closed his eyes, willing everything that was going on to be one large nightmare. Silver didn't affect vampires the way it did werewolves, but that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt them.

Simon still had no idea why Raphael was allowing any of this to happen, he still didn't have any idea what was really going on. That was, he didn't have any idea until Sebastian began his "injection" and Raphael's agonizing groan of pain turned into Simon's name and Simon's entire world froze before his eyes.

Within seconds, Simon was on his feet, standing beside of Magnus. "You knew?" he demanded. "You knew, and you didn't say anything at all?" Magnus looked down at the ground once more, and Simon could see the pain and regret that Magnus usually guarded so carefully. Seeing this, however, only made Simon even angrier, and he couldn't understand why. "He's in love with me, isn't me?" Simon asked, his voice losing the energy and anger it had had just moments before.

When Magnus simply inclined his head, Simon's knees gave out and he hit the ground, only to immediately drop his head in his hands once more. Simon knew that Magnus was now saying something to him, but the only thing he could hear was the now excruciatingly overwhelming sound of Raphael's screams. It suddenly felt as though the entire world was exploding within Simon's head, and it was then that watching Raphael in so much pain was far worse than if he had been the one in pain himself.

Simon finally let Magnus come to sit beside of him, he finally allowed Magnus to help him in the way he knew Magnus had been trying to all along. It was there, on the stone-cold ground in Edom, that Simon finally realized exactly why he'd been feeling the way he was feeling, and he knew exactly what he had to do.  
.  
.  
.  
Waking up a second time with no idea of where he was, Simon quickly tried to sit up, only to find Raphael's hand gently restraining him. "Rest, Simon, please." He could hear the strain in Raphael's voice, so he relaxed back onto the bed, knowing that Raphael wouldn't be telling him to do so unless there was a particular reason.

"Dios, Simon," Raphael, continued, volumes of emotion flooding through his voice. "Why the hell did you do that? What on earth would ever possess you do to such a thing?" Simon couldn't help but softly smile at the thought of what he'd done. He was fairly certain that no one had ever screamed at Sebastian the way he had. "Do you have any idea how the pain of watching him torture you compared to the pain of having him torture me?"

Simon's smile widened at that question, and he reached over to find Raphael's hand before responding. "Actually, I'm afraid I do know exactly how it felt, Raphael," Simon said, trying to keep his voice softer than it had ever been with Raphael before. "You seem to forget that I was forced to watch him torture you for hours." Raphael looked away at that, clearly not wanting to think about anything that had happened.

For several minutes, they sat together in silence, Raphael sitting on the edge of Simon's bed, each of them somehow comforted by the mere presence of the other. "So what now?" Simon asked after a while, completely overcome by the memory of what had happened in Edom. He felt Raphael laugh beside of him, and Simon felt himself relax. When Raphael slipped his arm around Simon and moved to make them both comfortable, Simon reacted as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if they had done it a million times before.

"I think the only thing you can do for me now, Lewis, is to promise me you will never do something that irrationally stupid again," Raphael responded, and Simon took joy in the fact that he could hear the smile in Raphael's voice. Simon tried to chuckle, but he felt the pain throughout his body, so he forced himself to stop.

"I think," he replied, trying to keep the mischief out of his voice. "That based on past experience, we both know that's an unfair thing to ask of me." As Raphael laughed, really, genuinely laughed for the first time that Simon had ever heard, the only thing that Simon could allow himself to do was relax further into Raphael's embrace and close his eyes, hoping beyond hope that this moment could somehow erase the pain of everything they had been through.


	12. L: Lost

Raphael woke up to see two entirely strange people standing over him. He narrowed his eyes at them and began to assess the situation, automatically suspicious of them. The first was a short girl with fiery red hair, and Raphael quickly assessed her to see that she would be an unlikely threat. The second stranger standing over him was a much taller boy with messy brown hair. There was something so frighteningly familiar about the boy, that Raphael had to wonder why he could not remember the boy's name. But Raphael was so startled by the look of pure concern on the boy's face that he had to look away before he could even begin to form a single thought about what was happening.

The last thing Raphael remembered was going home after meeting Ragnor Fell for a very late (for Ragnor) dinner in London. Now he had absolutely no idea what was going on, but he very much suspected that he had somehow been kidnapped. His first instinct was to panic about Ragnor, but before he could so much as open his mouth, he heard a familiar voice. "Give him some air you two. His injuries were very extensive; I still don't know what we're dealing with here." Raphael turned his head and sighed in relief to see Magnus entering the room that was apparently serving as some sort of infirmary for him.

For a few moments, things inside of Raphael mind calmed ever so slightly. If Magnus was here with him, then that had to mean that Ragnor was fine. But he couldn't ignore the sinking feeling that something was very wrong. "What do you mean 'my injuries,' Magnus?" he asked, trying to keep from showing just how worked up he was. "What the hell is going on?" Magnus's glance switched to the brown-haired boy for a fleeting moment, causing Raphael even more confusion.

"What's the last thing you remember, Raphael?" Magnus asked, his voice slow and calm. Raphael could tell that he was choosing his words carefully, as though he was trying to assess Raphael's reaction to absolutely everything he was saying. When Raphael had explained what he last remembered, Magnus's face twisted into an expression of pained confusion. "What year is it, Raphael?" he asked, his words carrying a final tone.

For reasons Raphael couldn't even begin to fathom, the brown-haired boy turned and ran out of the room as soon as Raphael had replied, "It's 1968." The girl looked over at him with an expression Raphael knew he would likely never understand. Instead of trying to figure these things out, Raphael turned to Magnus once more. "Isn't it?" He knew Magnus well enough to know by the way that Magnus's face had fallen that it was, in fact, not 1968.

As soon as the girl had dismissed herself from the room, Magnus came to sit on the side of Raphael's bed. "No, Raphael. It's not 1968." Magnus paused, but before long he simply said what needed to be said in the manner that he usually did, not wanting to lengthen the pain any longer than necessary. "It's 2007." For a moment, Raphael thought that Magnus was pulling off one of his many pranks, but then he remembered the boy's broken look as he had darted out of the room and he doubted that Magnus could possibly be joking with him.

It took a few moments, but the looks the boy and girl had given him before leaving finally struck a chord with Raphael, and he realized what was going on. "I know them, don't I? I've lost my memory. One or both of them means something to me, and I hurt whoever that was." Magnus didn't need to say a word to confirm Raphael suspicions, Raphael could see it in his eyes. For several intense moments, sheer panic coursed through Raphael at the thought of having hurt someone he might have cared for greatly, someone who obviously greatly cared for him.

Before allowing Magnus to say anything else, Raphael looked over at him once more to ask the question that had been on his mind since he had woken up. "Magnus, where is Ragnor?" When Magnus's glance turned to the floor, Raphael felt the panic come back in an even larger wave. "He's fine, isn't he?" Raphael said, willing it into being true. As soon as Magnus began shaking his head, Raphael was on his feet and out of the room faster than Magnus could react to.  
.  
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Raphael didn't have any clue about where he currently was, all he knew was that he was huddled up in a corner attempting to stay away from all of the strangers he was supposed to know. He almost groaned as he looked up to see the brown-haired boy slowly coming toward him. Sure, Raphael wanted to know what this boy had meant to him, but he also didn't want to have to deal with the expectations the boy likely had for him.

Without saying a word, the boy came to sit beside of Raphael, holding out a bottle of blood as he did so. When Raphael graciously took it, the boy said, "Magnus said you needed blood, but I asked him if I could bring it to you because I know you're upset." Raphael couldn't help it, he snorted.

"Upset?" he knew his voice was filled with bitterness, but he figured that it was usually fairly bitter, so he continued anyway. "I just found out, probably for the second time, that my best friend is dead, and you choose the word upset?" When Raphael risked a glance at the boy beside of him, he was surprised to see a smile on the boy's face.

There were a few moments of comfortable silence between the two of them, and Raphael was left to wonder what on earth was going on with him. The boy beside of him felt so familiar to him that he knew he would have been comfortable pouring out his every feeling, but the thing that was stopping him was the fact that he was still thinking of him as "the boy."

Seemingly reading Raphael's mind, the boy finally spoke up. "In case you're wondering, I'm Simon. The girl you saw earlier was my best friend, Clary." Simon. Somehow, even Simon's name sounded familiar to him, but Raphael couldn't place a single memory to go with it. The most frustrating thing was just how much Raphael deeply wanted to remember Simon. It was nearly infuriating, and he wanted rid of the feeling at once.

"Well then, Simon. I think thing I am supposed to do is to ask how we know one another." Raphael tried to keep himself from sounding too eager, but Simon didn't seem to be thinking of what Raphael sounded like at the moment. With a sigh, Simon glanced over at him, his expression something that Raphael couldn't read.

Simon chuckled before responding, and Raphael couldn't seem to figure out why. "We've had an interesting relationship," Simon began, a hint of amusement in his voice. "At the moment? I think you recently called me your boyfriend." Simon laughed in earnest at the look of utter surprise that sprung across Raphael's face.

Thankfully, Simon remained silent for several minutes, allowing Raphael to attempt to think things through. After a while, however, Raphael determined that there was no way he was going to remember anything about Simon, no matter how hard he tried. "The most infuriating thing, Simon," Raphael began, trying to keep from thinking too hard about his words. "Is that I feel so lost, and yes somehow, looking at you feels like I'm coming home after taking a trip around the world. You feel so familiar to me, as normal as breathing." He paused for a moment. "Well, as breathing used to be," he finished with a smile, losing his serious train of thought.

Simon stole an amused sort of glance at Raphael. "Raphael?" Simon said when it seemed like there was nothing else to do. "You don't have to remember me, it's fine; I understand. Plus," he said, pushing himself off of the floor. "I'm going to enjoy this challenge."  
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For weeks, Simon and Raphael had been going in circles, Raphael's memory never showing the slightest sign of revealing itself to him. All the while, Simon seemed entirely more patient than Raphael knew he would have ever been himself if the situation had been reversed. Each day that went by, Raphael found himself growing angrier and angrier. The worst feeling Raphael felt he would ever experience was the feeling he got every time he looked into Simon's eyes and saw the light die out a bit more each time.

Each time Simon saw the lack of recognition, Raphael could tell that he lost a little more of the hope that he had been trying to hold on to. Raphael hated the way he had no idea what to do; he hated the way he couldn't reassure Simon because he couldn't so much as reassure himself. It was far too easy for Raphael to see just how much Simon cared for him, even if Simon refrained from saying anything about it.

Somehow, Simon had talked Raphael into going on a date with him. They were supposed to simply be going out to a late night movie, something so trivial to Raphael that he'd somehow convinced himself that it was going to be an easy night.

What he hadn't planned for, however, was for the demons to attack them on their way home. What he hadn't planned for was for Simon to get hurt. What he hadn't planned for was the sheer terror that tore through him as he fumbled to call Magnus, his hands heavily shaking.

Magnus couldn't seem to calm him down in any way. Not until Simon sat up and began to look semi-fine was it that Raphael felt himself relax ever so slightly. And then Raphael found himself flinging his arms around Simon, he found his lips on Simon's, and suddenly things clicked.

Raphael pulled away from Simon as suddenly as he had thrown himself into Simon's arms. "Simon?" he said, knowing his voice was full of a sort of awe that it had never been filled with before. The hope that suddenly flared up in Simon's eyes only reinforced the pure elation that Raphael felt.

"Raphael, don't joke with me. Please, don't joke with me." Simon's voice was filled to the brim with an excitement that he was obviously trying to contain. Raphael could see that Simon was trying to keep himself from getting his hopes up, he was trying to make sure of what was happening before becoming too excited about it. Because of this, Raphael simply leaned in and began to kiss Simon once more.

This time, there was an obvious change in the energy of their kiss. It was clear to Raphael that the return of his memories had given something back to him. Part of his spirit, part of himself. When he said as much to Simon, Simon only laughed, but Raphael could see from the look in his eyes that Simon felt the same way. "It feels like I'm finally home, Simon," Raphael said, his tone far softer than it ever really was.

"Welcome home," Simon replied, smiling as though he had forgotten they were still on the street, as though he had forgotten that Magnus was still standing right beside of him. The only thing that Raphael could do was lean into Simon once more, wrapped up in utter relief that was flooding his heart. As Raphael leaned in, Simon responded as though they were one, leaning in to whisper in Raphael's ear. "Just promise me you'll never take another vacation."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side-note: This story was something that I've been wanting to write for Malec for a very, very long time. So I am currently kicking myself for writing this for Saphael.
> 
> BUT let me know your thoughts and any letter suggestions you might have!


	13. M: Meaning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for the idea behind this chapter goes to DemigodPrefect on fanfiction.net!

Raphael was terribly confused about Simon, which wasn't a very foreign feeling to him, but he still wanted to try to correct it. All night, Simon had been touchy about absolutely everything Raphael had done or said. And Raphael couldn't find a single reason for any of it. The problem was that he suspected there was plenty of reason and that he was just missing it in the way that he was prone to miss a lot of things.

Simon had sat pretty impatiently through their daily appointments where they had to deal with Clan problems and Downworlder issues. Usually, Simon would help him out when needed, he would make his own comments and show his own opinions. Today, however, Simon sat and watched, completely silent, his arms crossed and his eyes on the floor. When Raphael had tried to joke around with him, he'd only walked away. Everything Raphael had said seemed to make him angry, so Raphael finally backed away a bit.

Eventually, however, Raphael couldn't stand it any longer. He had no idea what he had done, and he wanted Simon to lay it out for him. Despite himself, Raphael followed Simon into their room where Simon had been by himself for the past hour. "Simon, we need to talk," Raphael said as he pushed the door open, refusing to give any other option, knowing that Simon would try to worm his way out of it if at all possible.

Simon simply turned to look at Raphael, raising an eyebrow in question. "You've been angry all night," Raphael said, crossing his arms. "And from why I can see, there's absolutely nothing I've done to cause that. So please, Simon, if I've made you mad, tell me why so I can fix it." For a few moments, Simon just looked back at Raphael, his expression essentially unreadable to Raphael.

"You really have no idea, do you?" Simon asked after several long moments. His voice was much softer than Raphael had expected it to be, as though he was out of energy, as though he'd spent too much time being angry and he no longer knew what to do. When Raphael shook his head, that seemed to spark something inside Simon once more, and Raphael hated to see it.

"Okay, Raphael, let's start with last night." Raphael kept his mouth firmly shut, knowing that admitting he had no idea what Simon was referring to would only make the situation worse. "Last night," Simon began again, his voice deadly calm. "Lily joked about us being together, and you joked back, acting as though you would never date me. Four months ago, I understood why you didn't want anyone to know about us being together. I've been patient, Raphael. Terribly so. But now I do not understand."

Instead of even beginning to respond, Raphael stayed silent once more. He still didn't entirely have a firm grasp on the situation, and he knew Simon had a lot more to say.

"It's like this relationship has no meaning to you, Raphael. It's like you're ashamed of me. It's like you'd sooner die again than admit to literally anyone that you have feelings for me." Simon paused, and Raphael knew he would have taken a deep breath if he'd actually needed any breath at all. "I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take of this. At first, I thought I could do this, I thought I could be patient. But the longer this goes on, the more it feels like this is just a game to you."

With that, Simon brushed past Raphael, his shoulders so slouched that Raphael could tell just how much Simon had really lost all of his fight. Raphael didn't even begin to follow Simon, knowing much better than to jump headfirst into attempting to fix things. This was mostly because he knew Simon was smart enough to head outside because the sun would be coming up any minute now.

Before Raphael really had time to think about anything, he found himself picking up his phone and dialing the number of the last person he usually asked for help. While listening to the phone ringing, it hit Raphael that he might have made the biggest mistake of his life. And that was saying a lot. Losing Simon was not an option, and he knew what he had to do. "Magnus, I need your help."

Simon had no idea why Raphael was so insistent that he go to Magnus and Alec's apartment. He was still trying to stay mad at Raphael, and he did not want to meet with Raphael when other people were around. Simon wasn't below hoping that there was an actual emergency that needed to be taken care of. That would be much easier to deal with than his and Raphael's relationship problems.  
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Walking into Magnus and Alec's was just the nightmare Simon thought it would be. Except for the fact that he saw literally everyone other than Raphael. Simon quickly waved at Clary before walking over to Magnus. "What is going on and where is Raphael?" he asked, trying to make it seem as though he wasn't as angry as he really was.

Magnus smiled a very annoying smile that told Simon Magnus knew a lot more than he did about the situation at hand. "Why? Is this taking out of your time to be angry with Raphael?" Magnus replied, effectively keeping Simon silent. Magnus chuckled and motioned toward an open seat. "Go sit down, Simon. You'll understand everything in just a couple of minutes."

Just as Simon sat down, Raphael entered the room, his eyes trained at the floor. It looked to Simon as though he was nervous, which made no sense at all because Raphael was never anxious about anything. Instead of looking directly at Simon, Raphael looked up at Magnus, which was even more confusing, but Simon didn't waste time trying to figure it out. "Everyone shut up!" Raphael announced in a manner that was much more like the Raphael Simon knew.

For a few moments, Raphael's eyes looked around at everyone in the room before finally resting on Simon. "I asked everyone here," Raphael began, his voice wavering ever so slightly. "Because I've realized that it's high time I man up and admit a couple of things to all of you." Simon couldn't help but wonder why Raphael wanted everyone there. It wasn't like he was that keen on Jace or Clary, and he specifically did not care for Isabelle. "And I wanted everyone," Raphael continued, echoing Simon's thoughts. "Because Simon cares for all of you, and this is for him."

At that point, Simon had a fleeting thought that he knew what Raphael was about to do, but Simon immediately talked himself out of that particular thought. There was no way Raphael was going to do exactly what he'd been avoiding for months. Then Raphael began speaking again, and Simon was immediately in shock. "The first thing I need to admit above anything else is the fact that I have feelings for Simon. I'm sure, considering Magnus's earlier reaction, that it was probably slightly obvious to most of you. But I'd also like to take the time to tell you all that Simon and I are together."

Simon was fairly certain he was dreaming. There was no way Raphael would have ever done what he just did. The first thing he'd told Simon when they got together was that he was afraid of telling people because he was afraid of how people would treat them. Now, here he was, admitting the one thing he'd ever been scared of admitting. Raphael seemed to take Simon's silence as a bad thing because he began speaking very quickly, as though he was afraid of losing Simon somewhere along the way.

"Simon, it's just that I needed to show you that this isn't a game to me. I needed you to see that I do care about you, that I'm not ashamed of you." Raphael paused and ran a hand through his hair, something he often did when nervous. "When you left last night, I couldn't stand the thought that I might have lost you because of my own stupidity. This relationship means more to me thank you will ever understand. I wasn't hiding it because I was ashamed of you. I guess I was hiding it because I'm ashamed of myself."

At that, Simon found himself on his feet and in front of Raphael without a second thought. Raphael lowered his eyes to the floor, his hand reaching up to brush through his hair once more. Simon reached up and took Raphael's hand, holding it in both of his. "What does that mean, exactly, Raphael?" he asked, suddenly forgetting that there was anyone in the room other than the two of them.

"I've spent so long believing that I was unlovable, Simon," Raphael said, his eyes still trained on the floor. "It's still not easy for me to believe that you're with me because you care about me. Admitting that we are together meant admitting that I trusted that you truly cared. It meant saying that I trust you with my heart. And I wasn't sure I was ready for that." Simon reached up again and gently forced Raphael to look up at him. The fear in Raphael's eyes, the fear that he'd done the wrong thing, was the worst thing Simon had ever seen from him.

"But when I thought about how easy it would be for you to walk away from me, when I thought about how easily it would destroy me if you did, I knew I couldn't stay silent." Raphael finally met Simon's eyes, and the fact that his expression was full of love and hope would have taken Simon's breath away if he'd had any. "I need you, Simon Lewis. And I wanted to tell everyone here that because I know that you care for them."

When Raphael had finished speaking, Simon found himself resisting the urge to kiss him. He knew that was the last thing that would help relax Raphael. Instead, he simply took the chance to respond, keeping his voice as soft as possible. "Raphael Santiago, you may just be the world's largest idiot." Simon could feel the smile sneaking up on him, but he tried to push it away if only for a few moments. "It would never be easy for me to walk away from you. No matter how mad at you I ever get, I could never easily walk away from you. And you have never been and will never be unlovable. At least not to me."

The smile that immediately overcame Raphael's face was possibly the most wonderful thing Simon had ever seen, and it only made him smile as well. "I honestly cannot believe you just did that, Raphael," Simon continued, knowing that Raphael deserved the recognition. "I don't think I have ever been this proud of anyone," he said, earning an even wider grin from Raphael. It was then that Simon knew he was going to need intervention if he was going to keep from kissing Raphael in front of everyone.

Without skipping a beat, Clary gave him that intervention. "Even prouder than you were when I finally grew to five feet?" she asked, her voice full of mischief. Simon turned toward her, holding on to Raphael's hand as he did so.

"I'm afraid so, Fairchild," he said, hearing the smile in his voice. He felt Raphael give his hand a squeeze, and he knew that the worst was finally over. Simon was surprised to see that everyone in the room looked fairly at ease with everything that had just happened, including Isabelle. The only person who looked slightly uncomfortable was Alec, but Simon shrugged this off, knowing that Alec generally looked uncomfortable.

Simon did find Magnus's giant grin a bit unnerving, but as soon as Magnus spoke, he knew it was harmless. "I guess this means that we can now go on wonderful double dates," he said, earning a groan of protest from Raphael and a laugh from Simon. At this, Alec looked properly horrified, and Simon knew that he was going to have far too much fun with said double dates.

All at once, Simon suddenly felt the need to be alone with Raphael, so he quickly began making excuses as to why they had to get home. As soon as they were alone in the Dumort, Simon pulled Raphael in for a deep kiss. When they eventually pulled away, Simon stayed close, his forehead touching Raphael's.

Before Simon could say anything, Raphael was speaking through the smile on his face. "I'm so sorry if you ever thought that you didn't mean anything to me. I promise you, Simon, you mean the world to me." At that, Simon went in for another kiss, knowing that there was no way he was letting go of Raphael for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may end up putting the next two or three chapters up tonight at some point. I've got two more chapters that are already written and I'm currently in the process of writing the P chapter! Also, let me know if you have any letter suggestion for anything from Q-Z!
> 
> Let me know what you thought! I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it just as much! I love hearing from you guys; you're the reason I keep writing!


	14. N: Never

Simon was fairly certain that he had never been so angry, especially not with Raphael. He couldn't figure out exactly what was going on, but he knew that if he sat still much longer that he would explode. When the vampire had first walked up to Simon and Raphael while they were at dinner, Simon had just thought that the man was a vampire from the Clan that Simon had never met before, someone who needed their help. He was greatly mistaken.

"Raphael, darling!" the man had exclaimed as he walked toward their table. "It's been far too long, hasn't it?" He didn't give Raphael time to reply before he had looked over at Simon and said, "Found another toy, have we, Raph?" Whoever this man was had looked Simon up and down, and all it had made Simon want to do with throw up.

When Raphael hadn't replied, the man had continued, each word only making Simon angrier. "I'm Oliver, by the way," he had said, taking a seat right beside of Raphael. "But I'm sure you've heard of me. Raph here is just crazy about me." Simon had looked away at that, contemplating getting up and leaving the situation.

The only thing that had made Simon stay seated was the fact that Raphael had practically growled, "My name is Raphael, and even if I ever was crazy about you, it would be past tense." Simon hadn't been entirely sure of what to do, but he had decided that as long as Raphael was going to fight back that he would stick by him.

There had been another agonizing ten minutes of conversation with Oliver before he had finally left them alone and gone to his own table which was still far too close for Simon's comfort. "What the hell was that?" he asked as soon as Oliver was out of earshot. At that, Raphael looked down at the table, unwilling to meet Simon's eyes.

"Not now, Simon," he said, his voice low enough that Simon could tell he was trying to make sure Oliver couldn't overhear them. This only served to make Simon angrier. There was obviously a reason he'd never heard of Oliver before, and Simon wanted to know exactly why.

"Not now?" Simon asked, hearing the bitterness in his voice. "Really, Raph?" he continued, knowing that it was a low blow but finding it beyond himself to care at the moment. "You're acting like this doesn't include me when it obviously does and I have no idea how it does?" There were several moments of silence in which Simon further contemplated getting up before Raphael finally replied.

"Let's just go, Simon. I'll explain at home, but let's just leave." Simon's first inclination was to protest. They had had to schedule their date night around so many things, and Raphael had been looking forward to it for weeks. But before Simon could say anything, he realized that there would be no way that they could ever enjoy themselves now.  
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Back at the Dumort, Raphael told Lily to ensure that no one interrupted them. It was obvious from the look on her face that she thought they were going to do unspeakable things to one another, but Simon forced himself to continue walking without giving that thought any acknowledgement. Ignoring Lily to his best ability, Simon simply walked into their bedroom, sitting down on the bed and turning to stare at Raphael as he walked into the room.

"I want you to tell me everything that I need to know about what just happened," Simon said, not giving Raphael a chance to try to wriggle his way out of the conversation. "If you lie about anything or leave anything out I'll know. I know you too well for you to do that, Raphael." At that, Raphael sighed and sat down beside of Simon, his posture showing Simon that he was going to be completely honest.

When Raphael tried to reach over and take hold of Simon's hand, Simon pulled away. He wasn't really sure why he did so, but the look on Raphael's face immediately made him regret it. "Alright, Simon. You want to know about Oliver? He was the first person I ever felt any sort of attraction to, romantic or otherwise, and he broke my heart." It hurt Simon to hear the pain and bitterness in Raphael's voice, but he remained silent, knowing that they needed to have this conversation.

"Is that what you wanted to hear, Simon? He was the first person I ever let close to me in that way. He was the first person I ever felt I wanted to be with. And he broke my heart. He broke me." When Raphael had finished speaking, Simon decided that he couldn't take it any longer. He was still angry, but he couldn't allow himself to be cold with Raphael any longer. He reached over to take Raphael's hand, and, to his surprise, Raphael did not pull away.

Instead of speaking, Simon simply waited, knowing that Raphael would continue if he waited long enough. "I was so weary of getting into any sort of relationship, but he stole my heart so quickly that I didn't have time to think about it. He told me he would be considerate of the fact that I had so little experience; he told me that he would be just as weary of the fact that I was scared to get into a relationship." Raphael paused, refusing to turn to look at Simon but tightening his grip on Simon's hand.

"He lied," Raphael said, his voice so final and resigned that it tore at Simon. It took several moments of silence for Simon to realize that Raphael was not going to continue. It took him several more moments to come up with absolutely anything at all to say. When he finally did come up with something, he knew it wasn't at all what he should have said.

"What did he mean when he asked you if you'd found another toy?" This was the one thing that had been at the back of Simon's mind from the moment Oliver had said it. Simon knew he shouldn't have brought it up at that moment, but it was something that he needed an answer to.

It was then that Raphael finally did look over at Simon, his eyes full of an unmistakable pain and fear. "He tried to guilt me into so many things, Simon. He wanted much more from the relationship than I ever wanted. And when I wouldn't 'put out' so to speak, he told me that I was just playing with him. He told me that I was just treating him like a toy."

Simon gave Raphael's hand a squeeze, suddenly sorry that he had acted the way he had. Toward the very beginning of their relationship, Raphael had sat Simon down and talked to him about how he was reluctant to make it anything other than a romantic relationship. Simon had agreed to allow Raphael to set the pace; he'd told Raphael that he would do whatever it took to make him comfortable. And now looking at Raphael, Simon could see exactly why this had been so important to him.

"I hadn't been comfortable enough to leave him right away, Simon," Raphael continued, his voice becoming softer with every word. "When I finally got the courage to leave him, after everything he said and did to me at that point, I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel that way again." Raphael paused, his silence so heavy that Simon had to keep himself from moving to hug Raphael. "I told myself that me being so uncomfortable would never be worth it again. I tried to tell myself that I deserved happiness instead of everything he put me through."

When Raphael paused once more, Simon decided to speak up, unable to bear the hurt in Raphael's voice any longer. "Raphael, listen to me for a second, please. I understand that he hurt you, I really do. But I'm not Oliver." Raphael finally looked back at Simon, obviously surprised that Simon was saying this. "I was angry, Raphael, but I'm not any more. I believed him at first, and I'm sorry for that. But, Raphael, I would never hurt you that way."

To Simon's surprise, Raphael leaned closer into him. "I want you to be comfortable, Raphael. I want you to trust me more than I want anything else at the moment. I understand that you're worried, but you should know that you can talk to me about any of those worries. I'm not going to judge you for them, Raphael. I love you too much for that."

The entire time Simon was talking, he hadn't really truly stopped to think about what he was saying; he was just letting his emotions flow into what he was telling Raphael. But the moment he had said 'I love you,' he knew he was a little too far gone. Neither of them had ever said those words before, and quickly became genuinely afraid that it was going to make Raphael uncomfortable. "Raphael, I'm sorry," was all that Simon could find in himself to say.

For several moments, Raphael just looked back at Simon, and ever second he stayed silent only made Simon more nervous. Finally, however, Raphael began to smile. "Don't apologize for that, Simon. You were just being honest." Raphael looked down at their hands, still entwined in one another, his smile softening for no apparent reason. "Let me tell you two things before you say anything else."

Raphael waited a couple of seconds to make sure that Simon wasn't going to speak before continuing. "First of all, I want to thank you. I swore to myself that I would never feel this way again, Simon. I promised myself that I would never let anyone in the way I let him in. I've been so scared of letting you in, but I did it despite myself." It took Simon a bit to process the fact that Raphael wasn't angry with him.

"Second, I need you to know that I love you, too." This took Simon much more time to process, and that only made Raphael smile. "I'm very glad I let you in, Simon. Don't get me wrong, it still scares me sometimes, and I'm not saying that this will always be easy. But you need to know that, Simon Lewis. And honestly, I never thought I'd say that to anyone."

At first, Simon couldn't really register what was going on. Before he could even begin to think of what to say, however, Raphael began speaking again. "Wipe that stupid smile off of your face and go get ready for bed, Simon. I'm never going to get tired of falling asleep beside of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot sappier than I originally intended for it to bed! Let me know your thoughts and more letter suggestions!


	15. O: Off Guard

It had been five months since he and Raphael had broken up, but Simon still found himself thinking about Raphael much more often than he knew he should. After all, he was with Isabelle now. So he didn't have any reason to think about his ex. The only problem was that, reason or not, Raphael was constantly on his mind, and he knew that was utterly wrong of him.

It wasn't as though he wasn't happy with Isabelle. Of course he was happy with Isabelle; Simon knew he would have been an idiot if he hadn't been happy. But the thing that kept pulling him down was the fact that Raphael breaking up with him had been entirely his fault. He'd never messed anything up as horribly as he'd messed up his relationship with Raphael, and now he knew it was irreversible.

Simon had asked to keep their relationship private; he hadn't been comfortable with anyone knowing at first. When Clary had asked him, he'd admitted things to her, but he'd sworn her to silence. Simon had no idea why he had wanted to hide things so badly. And apparently Raphael didn't have any idea either because that particular point was exactly what caused Raphael to leave him.

In the end, Simon had ended up with Isabelle almost by accident. He wasn't entirely sure of what had happened, but suddenly he'd found himself with Isabelle, and he didn't have the courage to figure out what to do about it. It wasn't that he didn't care for her; he cared terribly. He just felt guilty that half of his thoughts were still consumed by Raphael.

Soon after he and Isabelle had gotten together, Simon had tried to talk to Raphael. This particular conversation had gone much less than stellar. "Cared so little about me that you're already moving on?" Raphael had asked, not attempting to hide the bitterness in his voice. Simon knew exactly how he was feeling, he just couldn't put that into words to explain things to Raphael, so he had left without even beginning to try.

Now he was currently in his room, trying to choke back the regret he felt as he got ready for the mission they were all supposed to be going on that night. It was apparently supposed to be a routine mission, but Simon had the sinking feeling that it wasn't going to be routine. Things never seemed to go the way they were supposed to where he was concerned, especially when it came to fighting demons.

"Ready to go, Simon?" a voice at the door said, causing Simon to jump ever so slightly. He'd been so consumed by his thoughts that even his newfound vampire senses hadn't picked up on the fact that Isabelle had walked through the door. Simon simply gave her the best smile he could conjure and followed her out the door, all but praying that the night would actually go as planned.  
.  
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.  
"Simon, pay attention please," Jace said as he shot a glance Simon's way. He and Jace had split from the rest of the group, although Simon had no idea what he'd done to deserve getting Jace as his partner in crime. He'd been zoning out the entire time, completely underwhelmed by the number of demons they were finding. "Got a lot on your mind there, Daylighter?"

Simon resisted the urge to throw something sarcastic back at Jace. "Yeah, sorry," was what he settled for instead, hoping that Jace would just let things go. "I thought this mission was supposed to be informative for me," he said, trying to steer the conversation away from himself. "But I see a very large lack of demons."

"That's probably a good thing," Jace responded, his eyes constantly scanning the area around them. "You're so unfocused that if we did find a demon you wouldn't know it had eaten you until you were already digested." Simon remained silent after that, putting everything he had into keeping from arguing with Jace. The kind of argument they were prone to was not something he had the energy for.

A few seconds later, it seemed like Jace was going to say something else, but he stopped himself suddenly. Before Simon had time to register what was going on, Jace began sprinting toward the next alleyway, and Simon finally realized that Jace had heard something.

He quickly fell in step behind Jace, his vampire speed the only thing that helped him do so. But as they rounded to corner to see what was going on in the alleyway, Jace continued forward without missing a beat while Simon stopped in his tracks.

It wasn't the sight of the demon that stopped him, and it certainly wasn't the sight of the blood that was spreading across the ground. What brought Simon up short was the sight of what the demon seemed to be slowly tearing apart. It was easy for him to see that Raphael was clamped in the demon's jaws, but it wasn't easy to tell if Raphael was still alive or not.

Before Simon could find it in himself to move, he felt Magnus and Alec step up behind him. He had no idea how they had gotten there, but he wasn't going to question it. Just as Alec began to say his name, Simon found his legs propelling himself forward. He reached Raphael's side to find that Magnus had come just behind him.

The next few minutes went by in a blur, and Simon only barely registered Jace pulling him away from Raphael. He had no idea what he was actually doing, he was only consumed by thoughts of Raphael. He understood that he was yelling something, he understood that he was fighting Jace much more than he should have, but Simon didn't truly register any of it. Magnus had apparently said that he needed Simon to be taken away from Raphael's side in order to be able to properly heal Raphael.

When Jace finally turned Simon around, things came back into perspective for Simon as he realized that Isabelle was standing there, watching his every reaction to the situation at hand. The only thing Simon knew to do was to walk away, and that's exactly what he did.  
.  
.  
.  
The worst decision Simon was sure he had ever made was deciding to check on Raphael. He found himself thrown into the most awkward situation of his life, and that was saying a lot for him. As soon as he stepped into Magnus's apartment, he saw Isabelle and Clary standing there talking. It didn't take much inference to understand that Clary was explaining why Simon had reacted the way he had. It didn't take long for Isabelle to come and pull him aside.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" she asked, her voice full of much less anger than he thought it would have been. She seemed much more accepting of it than he'd imagined she would be, and he had no idea why.

"Honestly, Isabelle," he began, taking his time and attempting to find the right words. "I have no idea." What he said was far from right, but Simon couldn't find anything else to say. He had no idea of what he was feeling, and there was no way that he would be able to convey it to anyone.

Simon stopped attempting to assess Isabelle's reaction to what he was saying, he knew that was almost as hopeless as explaining himself would be. "Simon, the way you reacted to him being hurt," Isabelle stopped herself, obviously wanting to say so much more but having no idea of how to say it.

"It just happened, Iz, it caught me off guard," Simon said, trying to find it in himself to do what he knew needed to be done. "There was no reasoning behind it. I just saw him, and then it happened. I can't explain to you everything I've done, but I can tell you that I care for him. I can also tell you that I care for you, and right now the only way I can find to tell the difference is the fact that my unbeating heart almost started beating again at the sight of seeing him lying there in his own blood."

Isabelle looked like she was going to respond, but before she could, her eyes shifted to directly behind Simon. Turning around, Simon's heart absolutely sank. Raphael was standing right behind him, and it was obvious that he had heard every word of what had just been said. Simon took a few moments to look between Raphael and Isabelle, his world completely crashing down around him.

I've ruined everything, Simon thought. Absolutely everything. Now I'm going to lose both of them, and it's no one's fault but my own. Before Simon could actually do anything else, Isabelle began walking toward him. "Simon," she said softly. "You two have things to talk about. Just know that I want you to be happy." Without another word, she walked past Raphael and out of the room, and Simon was left to stare at Raphael without any idea of what he might be able to do.

"Really, Lewis," Raphael said, his voice full of the usual sarcasm. "If you'd said anything more emotional, I would have thought Clary was talking and not you." Simon couldn't help but crack a smile as he realized that Raphael was back to joking with him the way he had before they'd broken up.

"You're welcome, Raphael," was all that he responded with, knowing that it was enough. The only thing he could hope for was that he could somehow save what might be left of their relationship. Even if it was only enough to save their friendship. The hope that he might be able to save his friendship with Isabelle was very far from him.

"Look, Simon" Raphael began again, his voice much softer this time. "I know what you just did was terribly hard for you. And I do appreciate that. So I'm willing to try again if you are, but that's up to you. You're the one who's currently in a relationship."

For several moments, Simon attempted to think about everything that was going on around him. "I just have one question," Raphael said when Simon didn't speak up. "Do you want to be with me at all?" At that, Simon couldn't help but almost snort. Raphael had to be insane.

"Do I want to be with you? I think that's pretty obvious after everything I just did, Raphael." Simon knew that there was no backing out now. He knew that things would never turn around, and he wasn't sure that he would ever want them to. "You thought I didn't care about you because I didn't want to tell anyone about us, but that wasn't it at all. I was scared to tell people, but now I've realized that I'm much more scared of losing you than I am of people knowing about us."

The ghost of a smile played across Raphael's face, and Simon found himself smiling at the mere sight of it. "Well, Lewis," Raphael said, the smile evident even in his voice. "If that's what you want, then I'll be right behind you every step of the way."

The smile on Simon's face only grew, and he knew now that Isabelle had given him permission to do what would make him the happiest. "The first thing I have to do, Raphael, is go make things right with Isabelle. I can't lose a friend like her. Then we can talk about us." Raphael only knowingly nodded and stepped aside while Simon exited the room. "I think we have a lot to talk about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a little longer than normal, and I can't decide how I feel about it but let me know your thoughts!
> 
> I'm going to add the next chapter in a few minutes because I just finished writing it like three minutes ago, and I really want you guys to read it!!


	16. P: Procrastination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be much longer than I had intended, but I'm somehow okay with that! Let me know your thoughts on it!
> 
> Also, this story has kind of a weird premise. I ignored the events of most of City of Heavenly Fire, but I added in Max, but then I left out the events of Lady Midnight!

Raphael was slightly aware of the fact that every time Max called him "Uncle Raphael" he softened a bit more. He wasn't too excited about that little fact, but he figured that there had to be at least one person in the world who had that effect on him, and he was just glad that that person was Max and not anyone else. "Uncle Raphael?" Max said, looking up at Raphael from where he was sitting in his uncle's lap. "I have a question for you."

That was a simple statement, but for some reason, it immediately made him slightly nervous. There was no telling what Max was going to ask him. "You know you can ask me anything," he said, trying to hide the suspicion in his voice. Raphael ignored the fact that Magnus was glancing at them over his newspaper in the way that showed Raphael he was trying to make it seem as though he wasn't listening to them at all.

"When are you going to marry Uncle Simon?" Max asked, his voice full of far too much innocence for a question that surprised Raphael so much. At that, Magnus gave up on pretending that he wasn't listening and simply laid his newspaper down in his lap, obviously automatically amused that Raphael was being caught so off guard.

The biggest problem was that Raphael couldn't find anything to say in response. When he sat there and continued to look at Max, no idea of what to say, Max continued into his explanation, seemingly noticing how taken aback Raphael was. "It's just that you've been together for so long, and it seems like you've been procrastinating." He paused for a moment, a proud smile playing across his lips. "Daddy taught me that word," he finished.

Raphael resisted the urge to groan out loud as he glanced over to see Magnus not so successfully hiding his smirk. All of his life, Max had been smarter than the average child, and it seemed as though every year he was slowly becoming smarter than Raphael himself. Ever since he learned how to read, he could essentially always be found with his face in a book, learning absolutely everything he could about almost any topic. His magic was far better than any other warlock's his age, and Raphael had never known anyone he was so proud of.

Raphael pulled himself out of his thoughts and turned his attention away from Magnus's ever-growing smirk and back toward Max. "Well, when do you think I should propose to him then, Max?" Raphael asked the only question he could think of, knowing that it was fully loaded. At that, Max's smile somehow widened, and Magnus even had the nerve to lean forward in his seat.

"Well, Uncle Raphael," Max began, sitting up straight as though he was getting ready to tell Raphael how it really was. "I overheard Papa saying that your anniversary is in a couple of days." Raphael risked another glance at Magnus and had to resist the urge to make obscene gestures at him. "And I was thinking that you should propose to him then. That would be really romantic."

Instead of addressing the real topic at hand, Raphael took the easiest way he saw out. The problem was that he knew Max was right, he knew that he needed to step things up and propose to Simon. But the ultimate problem was that he was too scared of messing things up. "Let me guess, Aunt Isabelle taught you that word?" Raphael couldn't help but laugh when Max began nodding enthusiastically.

"I, for one, think that's a wonderful idea," Magnus said, getting up from his seat and moving around to pretend like he was cleaning up the living room. "I mean, what could go wrong when you try to actually admit your true feelings?"

Max began looking back and forth between the two of them, but Raphael couldn't help but engage with Magnus, which he was fairly certain was what Magnus wanted. "You know what, Lightwood?" Raphael began, reminding himself that Magnus was now married and consciously changing the name he used. "I now plan to prove you wrong. Wait until you see just how romantic I can be."  
.  
.  
.  
Raphael had planned the night down to the very last detail. And every last detail had somehow been horribly messed up. He had planned to make dinner for Simon; he'd planned to then take Simon to the place they'd had their first date, and that was where he was going to propose.

But apparently every single thing he'd planned had gone to hell almost as soon as he'd planned it. When Lily had come to him with about fifteen different problems, he'd ended up ruining their dinner by forgetting that he was even cooking dinner in the first place. When he went to get dressed and simply changed his plans to taking Simon out to dinner, he'd almost immediately ruined his clothes by tripping over a shoe and knocking a cup of blood off the table and all over his shirt.

When he decided that nothing else could go wrong, Magnus texted him to give him the news that the restaurant he'd taken Simon to on their first date had just halfway burned down. So when Simon walked through the door and asked what Raphael had planned for the night, Raphael couldn't help but release all the anger that had slowly been building up.

"Nothing, Simon. Absolutely nothing. Forget I ever even said I wanted to do something special tonight. Just completely forget about it. I would have ruined it anyway." With that, Raphael turned and went into their bedroom, knowing that Simon would follow in several minutes, but hoping that he could calm himself down before then.

When Simon walked into the bedroom, Raphael was already lying on the bed, trying to force himself to sleep his sorrows away. Simon sat down on the bed and took hold of Raphael's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before he began speaking. "You know tonight didn't have to be perfect, right, Raph?" Somehow, Simon's question only served to make Raphael even angrier.

He sat up and looked toward Simon, but he didn't take his hand away. "Yes it did, Simon. And I had everything so perfectly planned, but as usual, I can't do anything right. I guess Magnus was right." Even though this comment clearly confused Simon, he didn't ask about it, knowing that Raphael was genuinely upset.

"You try too hard, Raphael," Simon continued, obviously trying to keep his voice even. "I just love spending time with you, I didn't need anything special." At that, Raphael got up from the bed and turned to look at Simon, wishing more than anything that he could go back and redo the entire night.

"You just don't get it, Simon. Everything was perfect. Everything was going to be perfect. And now I've messed it all up with no hope of going back and fixing it." This somehow got to Simon more than anything else had that night, and Raphael thought that it was likely because Simon was just becoming exasperated.

"Why did everything need to be so perfect?" he asked, standing up and taking a couple of steps toward Raphael. "Our lives are so far from perfect. The only perfect thing about our lives is the fact that we ended up together. So why did you need to try so hard tonight? I don't understand, Raphael. If I'm missing something, please tell me." When Simon said this, everything inside of Raphael seemed to snap. All of his resolve seemed to break.

"You're missing the biggest thing of all, Simon," he responded, taking a deep breath and knowing that he no longer had control over what he was about to say. He was speaking so fast that he knew there was no hope of holding anything back any longer. "I planned tonight to be perfect, planned every last detail because I'd planned on proposing to you tonight, but apparently I can't get anything right and now here we are."

For several moments, Simon simply stared back at Raphael, and Raphael knew that if his heart had still been beating, it would have been beating out of his chest in that moment. "You were going to what?" was all that Simon eventually said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Max told me I've been procrastinating, and I can't help but admit that he's right." Raphael closed his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out how things had gone so terribly wrong. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you, and when Max said that, I realized that I've been procrastinating because I was so worried about messing it up. You know better than anyone how terrible I am at expressing how I truly feel. But here it goes, Simon. Just let me finish, and then you can tell me how badly I've done."

Raphael moved to get Simon to sit back down, trying, and failing, to calm his nerves. This was not at all how he had expected things to go, but now he had to try to make the best of it all. "When we first met, I was fairly certain that you were going to end up being the most annoying person to ever exist. Then when I realized I was falling for you, I essentially thought I was going insane. I mean, I'd guarded my heart for so long. Who did you think you were coming in here and tearing down the walls faster than the blink of an eye?"

Raphael could no longer read Simon's expressions, so he stopped trying and just let his heart begin to do the talking for him. "Somehow, you tore those walls down and you ended up becoming the one person I've ever cared about more than anything or anyone else in this world. I don't know how you did it, Simon, but I'm not going to question it because you're by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. For years, I was so angry with Magnus for saving my life the way he did. But now I can't find it in myself to do anything other than thank him because if he hadn't saved me, I never would have ended up with you."

Before Raphael could really figure out what he was doing, he found himself on one knee right in front of Simon. This was so far from how he'd actually pictured the night, and yet he couldn't seem to control anything he was doing. "Simon Lewis, I waited my entire life for someone like you. And then when I was Turned, I thought that I could never find anyone to love me. But you came in and you melted away absolutely every belief I had about my life. Now I cannot imagine letting you go."

Raphael took another deep breath, even though he didn't need it, as he pulled out the simple ring he had gotten for Simon. Alec had helped him pick it out because they both knew that Magnus would have tried to be more over the top with it than he needed to be. "Simon Lewis, will you marry me?" Raphael finally finished, the last few words catching slightly in his throat.

As Raphael watched Simon, Simon's face slowly began to change from a look of utter surprise to one of pure joy. Before Raphael could do anything else, Simon had jumped off of the bed and was on his knees as well, hugging Raphael. "Of course I'll marry you, Raphael, of course I will." Simon buried his face in Raphael's shoulder, and Raphael couldn't do anything other than tighten his arms around Simon. "I'd be an idiot if I didn't."

When they finally pulled apart, Raphael was surprised to see that the smile on Simon's face had only grown. "Dios, Simon," Raphael said, trying to control the joy in his own voice. "What have you done to me?" At that, Simon leaned in to kiss Raphael, a kiss that was far more gentle and meaningful than any other kiss they'd ever shared before.

"I'd like to think I made you a better man, Raph," Simon said, the teasing clear in his voice. The only thing Raphael could do was lean in for another kiss. When they pulled apart this time, Raphael could see that Simon couldn't hold back his joking in any form. "I just can't wait to tell Max that he was right, but I promise I won't admit to Magnus all the things that went wrong before you finally got it right," Simon finished, laughing as Raphael playfully shoved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last thing: let me know any letter suggestions you have! (or if you just have a word and have no idea what would be written for it, let me know that too!)


	17. Q: Queer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read this chapter before making assumptions about the title of it! If you think you don't want to read it because of the title, then simply don't read it!

Simon was entirely too nervous as he looked into the mirror. He'd spent way too much time picking out his outfit for the night, and now he was way too early, so he had plenty of time to sit around and worry. The problem was that he had plenty of things to worry about, and having all the time in the world was only making things that much worse.

This was the first time in over four months that Simon had ever agreed to go out with Raphael in public. It wasn't that he was ashamed of Raphael, he wasn't in any way; it was quite the opposite. He wasn't ashamed of the fact that he was with Raphael; Simon just wasn't entirely comfortable with himself yet. Raphael had been understanding about this, much more understanding than Simon had ever imagined he would be.

It wasn't as though Simon had hidden the fact that they were together. Everyone important to Simon knew that he was with Raphael. It was simply that Simon had been uncomfortable going out in public because he knew all too well the stigma that would likely be attached. He was too afraid of the things that people might think or say, and he wasn't yet comfortable enough with himself to simply ignore things like that.

When he'd told Raphael that he felt as though he was being a coward about the entire thing, Raphael had been much more sensitive about it than Simon would have ever thought. As soon as Simon had admitted this, Raphael had immediately sat him down and began to take care of him in a way that Simon had never seen Raphael take care of anyone. Over the next few weeks, Raphael had been so utterly careful about the entire situation that it had all but melted Simon's heart.

"You ready?" Raphael's voice pulled Simon out of his thoughts. He was going to turn around but before he could he found Raphael's arms around him. Simon couldn't help but relax as soon as Raphael's arms were around him. "Why so tense?" Raphael asked before Simon had the time to answer the first question.

"We both know the answer to that," Simon responded as he turned around in Raphael's arms. Simon couldn't help but smile when he saw the smile on Raphael's face. He knew that going out meant everything to Raphael, and that was the only reason he was doing it. The smile on Raphael's face was what made everything worth it.

"Allow me to help you with those nerves," Raphael said, pulling Simon even closer by his belt loops. Simon didn't even begin to resist when he found Raphael's lips on his; he simply closed his eyes and allowed himself to be lost in Raphael. He didn't know how long it was before Raphael pulled away, but he eventually followed Raphael out of the Dumort, slightly more relaxed than before.  
.  
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Simon absolutely hated to admit that so far, everything was going perfectly. They'd ended up at Simon's favorite Downworlder restaurant, a place Simon knew Raphael was only taking him because he was so much more comfortable with it than anywhere else. Everything was running as smoothly as Simon could have imagined, and he knew he would later have to admit to Raphael that he'd been overreacting about going out in public.

"What are you thinking about?" Raphael asked, looking at Simon over his glass of slightly alcoholic blood. Simon responded first with a slight smile, unsure of how he should really answer the question. He didn't truly want to admit to Raphael that things were going so much better than he had thought they would.

"Just thinking about how lucky I became when we got together," he replied, knowing that his voice had a hint of his usual sarcasm and mischief mixed in. It wasn't Simon's fault that both of them generally shied away from being overly affectionate. Plus, he couldn't help but get a bit of a jab in when at all possible.

Simon watched as the smile on Raphael's face began to widen, but before Raphael could respond, another vampire appeared by their table. "Excuse me," he said in an obviously overly polite voice. "My friends have been betting me that the two of you are queer, and I told them that they had to be wrong about that, that you two are obviously waiting on more people. So I just wanted to clear up this bet so I could get my money."

It was extremely obvious that there was no bet, that the vampire before them was just being as cruel as possible, and the only thing Simon could find in himself to do was to sit and stare at the table. He jumped slightly when Raphael shot to his feet. "What did you just say?" he asked, every word seeming like its own sentence.

"On defense already?" the other vampire asked, his voice dripping with amusement. "So you are queer then?" Simon was genuinely surprised that Raphael didn't punch him at that moment. When Simon finally slightly lifted his eyes, he could see by the way that Raphael was standing that he was holding himself back.

"I suggest you turn yourself around and leave my presence before you find our just who I really am," Raphael said, his voice a sort of ice cold that Simon had never heard before. Simon was slightly surprised when Raphael stepped over to slide in front of him, reaching down to take his hand as he did so.

The next time the vampires spoke, Simon knew it was directed at him, but he still couldn't find it in himself to look up from the table. "You're just gonna let your little boyfriend do all the fighting for you, aren't you, faggot?" Simon was surprised when Raphael began chuckling. He couldn't help but tighten his grip on Raphael's hand, the horrible feeling that this had been the exact situation that he had been so worried about making him sick.

"You honestly can't come up with anything more creative than 'queer' and 'faggot,' can you?" Raphael asked, his voice betraying no amount of the pain Simon knew he had to be in. "I don't know what clan you come from, but here in New York we actually treat one another with respect, especially when addressing the leader of the clan. But more to the point," Raphael continued before he could be cut off. "You and your friends need to go find lives that come with some self-esteem so that you can stop belittling people just to make yourselves feel as though you've actually got something worthwhile to offer to the world."

It was then that Simon realized that the entire restaurant was filled with silence, and he wanted nothing more than to run back to the Dumort and curl up in bed for the next few days. The other vampire was staring at Raphael as though he had never imagined Raphael would fight back in such a manner. "Yes," Raphael continued, his voice as unwavering as ever. "This is my boyfriend, and I will not be made to feel as though there is anything wrong with that."

Before anyone could do absolutely anything at all, Raphael reached in his pocket to place some money on the table, pulled Simon to his feet, and brushed past the other vampire all within seconds. As soon as they were outside, Simon felt as though as switch inside of him was flipped. He immediately pushed Raphael to the nearest wall, his lips covering Raphael's as quickly as possible. When they pulled apart, Raphael simply looked at him with the question in his eyes.

"I didn't know how to thank you," Simon said, knowing that his voice was far too soft. "That was the only thing I could think to do. I'm not very good with words." Simon looked back down at his feet then, suddenly very nervous again. After a few moments of silence, Simon felt Raphael's hand under his chin, lifting his head up so that he was looking at Raphael once again.

"Simon, never allow anyone to make you feel as though you are less than them. I understand that this sort of situation was exactly what you were worried about in the first place, but let me be the one to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you." Simon couldn't do anything other than stare at Raphael, unsure of exactly what he was feeling. "Don't you ever dare let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself, Simon."

All Simon could do for a couple of seconds was stare into Raphael's eyes and wonder how he had been lucky enough to find Raphael. "I think I just learned a lesson you've been trying to teach me for months," Simon replied, a smile slowly passing across his face. "I think we should go out to a Downworlder club or something tonight," he continued, amused by the look of surprise on Raphael's face. "I don't think I've spent enough time showing you off tonight." Simon couldn't push the grin off of his face as Raphael leaned in for one more kiss before pulling him back into the street toward their new destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been SO long since I updated this story, and I'm sorry for that! I just got done with finals but even my summer is going to be super busy as I do things like shadowing doctors and otherwise preparing for medical school applications and helping a friend after a bad diagnosis for her sister and so on.
> 
> If you have any letter suggestions, that would be greatly appreciated because I have no idea where to go next!
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts on this chapter!


	18. R: Rain

Raphael was far more stressed than he knew he should be, but the perfect surprise he had planned for Simon was absolutely and entirely ruined, so he couldn't keep himself from being upset about it. He'd been planning the day for weeks, and now he would have to figure something else out, now there was no way he could go through with the plan.

When Clary had asked to speak with him, Raphael had been terribly skeptical. He had been worried that there was something wrong. But when Clary had offered her blood to Raphael, what she was offering didn't exactly immediately register with him. Clary had remained silent and let Raphael figure things out for himself, and it didn't take him long to understand that Clary was offering to let him become a Daylighter, and Raphael didn't need an explanation to know that she was offering to let him have a much more normal life with Simon.

Raphael didn't have to think very hard to know that he didn't have any choice other than to accept Clary's offer. Even if he didn't miss the sun more and more every day, Raphael knew that he would still accept it for Simon. Raphael could see the effects of their life on Simon. He tried terribly every day to split his time between his friends and family who were out and about during the day while still making time for Raphael at night. And Raphael knew that it wasn't an easy life for Simon.

So he had quickly accepted Clary's offer without much thought at all. But he had decided to keep it hidden from Simon for a few weeks. His plan had been to surprise Simon on his birthday, to simply step out into the sun and give Simon his gift in that way. There was only one huge problem with his plan. It was fairly hard to step out into the sun when there was not a single sunbeam in sight. Rain was pouring down so hard that Raphael could hardly see out of the window.

The longer Raphael sat and stared out of the window, the angrier he became. How on earth was he supposed to surprise Simon if there was no sunlight for him to step into and actually show Simon what had changed? He wanted to just go to bed, to let Simon think that he'd been sleeping all day, but he knew that he'd be far too angry to actually fall asleep.

When Simon finally walked in, he stopped short, obviously surprised that Raphael was there. "What are you doing up?" he asked, coming to sit beside of Raphael and all but wrapping them up together. "You should be asleep," Simon said, his voice terribly gentle.

"I was waiting up because I wanted to tell you happy birthday as soon as possible," Raphael lied relatively easily. He hadn't been able to see Simon the night before because Simon had been in Idris on Clave business, so this was fairly reasonable. Raphael had to admit that he loved the way Simon's face lit up when he said this, but before Simon could respond, Raphael leaned in for a kiss. Raphael could tell that something was slightly different, the way he kissed Simon this time was filled with more tenderness and love than it usually was.

Eventually, Simon pulled away, only to look back at Raphael with a lingering question in his eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice slightly on edge. Raphael hated the way Simon could pick up on every stubble change in his mood, especially the ones that he was trying to hide. He loved the way he and Simon clicked as though they had been made for each other, but this was often an inconvenience at times such as these.

At first, Raphael considered trying to wave things off, but he knew that Simon would be able to see through that. "It's just been a very long, rough day, Simon, that's all." Simon eyed him for several long moments, clearly trying to read Raphael's expression. Raphael moved closer to Simon, trying to figure out a way to keep from ruining his surprise.

"Well," Simon said, reaching up to run his thumb over Raphael's lip. "If you want to talk about it, you let me know." Raphael didn't need to ask to know what Simon wanted, so he let go of everything that he'd been bottling up all day and simply leaned into Simon once more. Raphael allowed himself to sink into Simon in the way that always surprised him. The only problem was the he couldn't entirely get everything off of his mind.

After several minutes, Simon pulled away once more, taking a few moments to gather himself before speaking, his breath too ragged to begin right away. "What's really going on? You seem miles away. And don't just tell me it's been a long day." Raphael sighed and leaned back, knowing that now there was absolutely no way Simon would easily let him out of the impending conversation. The only thing he could think to do was continue to avoid it as best as possible.

"I'd rather not talk about that, Simon," Raphael said, trying to ease into avoiding the entire situation. "It is your birthday, after all." Raphael knew it was a flimsy excuse, he knew Simon wasn't likely to take it, but he said it anyway, only to earn Simon's angry expression.

"Alright," Simon said, detaching himself from Raphael and standing up. "You don't want to talk, that's fine. Clary wanted to go out for my birthday but I told her no because I wanted to see you as soon as possible, but clearly you need space, so I'll be back tonight." Raphael simply watched as Simon walked away from him, far too speechless to figure out what to say to make Simon stay.  
.  
.  
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The most heartbreaking thing about Raphael's entire day was the fact that Simon didn't come home that night. Raphael was almost inclined to worry that Simon had wanted to do absolutely anything to spite him, but he knew that was out of character for Simon, so he kept telling himself that Simon had simply spent the night at the Institute, too upset with him to come home.

Raphael had accidentally screwed up his "normal" sleeping schedule after staying up all day waiting on Simon and actually sleeping during the night for the first time in almost a century. Now that he was up and the sun was shining, he wanted nothing more than to go to Simon, wanting to surprise him as quickly as possible.

Before he knew what he was doing, Raphael found himself at the Institute. The only problem was that Clary quickly informed him that Simon was no longer there. Apparently, they'd just missed each other, something that only served to make Raphael slightly angry once more. He took the long way home, trying to clear his mind so that he wouldn't mess things up even more when he got home.

But getting home was an entirely different story. "Where the hell have you been?" Simon asked, whirling on Raphael as soon as he entered the room. Raphael didn't have time to answer before Simon began speaking again. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been? Oh, of course you do. You've been in here avoiding me the entire time. Way to be mature about all of this, Raphael. Thank you for worrying me to no avail."

It was clear that Simon thought Raphael had been moving from room to room and avoiding him; naturally, Simon's mind didn't go to the thought that Raphael could have actually be out of the Dumort. So Raphael did the only thing he could think to do. "I was at the Institute," he said, carefully watching the look on Simon's face.

For a few moments, Simon simply stared at Raphael, but when he finally responded, it wasn't in the way that Raphael had expected. "Don't lie to me Raphael. The sun's out. You haven't been anywhere, so don't try to clean up your mistakes by lying to me." Instead of responding directly to Simon, Raphael knew exactly what he needed to do.

Stepping over to the window, Raphael pulled back the blackout curtains. "What are you doing?" Simon all but yelled at him, jumping over to him as quickly as possible. Raphael forced himself to ignore Simon's mortified expression as he realized that he was too late to keep Raphael from pulling back the curtain. The only thing that made all the waiting worth it was Simon's face when he realized that Raphael was standing in a beam of sun.

After a few moments of silence, Simon rushed over to him, slightly more agitated than Raphael had imagined. "What happened and why didn't you tell me about it? I need you to be completely honest with me because you're walking a very fine line right now, Santiago." Raphael knew that Simon reserved his last name for moments when he was truly annoyed, so he dove into his story without a second thought, hoping to do damage control as quickly as possible.

Raphael had expected Simon to still be annoyed and angry after he had finished explaining things. What happened, however, was that Simon all but launched himself at Raphael, their lips immediately finding each other. "You stupid, stupid man," Simon said, only confusing Raphael. "You didn't need to surprise me with this elaborate plan, Raphael. You could have just told me and that would have been the best present you could have given me."

It was obvious from Simon's silence that he expected Raphael to respond, but Raphael had no idea what he wanted to say. Eventually, he settled for the only thing he could think of. "I wanted everything to be perfect. You deserve perfect, Simon. You deserve the sunshine, not the rain." The smile on Raphael's face was interrupted by yet another kiss from Simon, and this time, Raphael knew that the only perfect thing to do was to keep from pulling away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what your thoughts were! I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> There may be more of a different story up tonight, but if not it will be up tomorrow night after I get back from my pre-med stuff!


	19. S: Sarcasm

For the past few weeks, Simon had been training with Jace and the other Shadowhunters because, for some reason, Jace thought it was a good idea. He said it would help Simon become more accustomed to his vampire abilities and would teach him to fight all at once. The only thing that Simon hated about it was Jace's constant jokes and ridicule. It seemed as though every morning that he got home from a mission, he'd lay and complain to Raphael until they both fell asleep.

Every time he had to go back on a mission, Raphael would have to talk him into it, knowing how stressed these missions were making Simon. Each night they went out on one, Simon became even angrier, but, of course, they always made him go with Jace when they split up. It was like there was no escaping Jace, no matter how hard he tried. What was apparently even harder to do, however, was to actually impress Jace, or even please him in any way. It was a constant struggle to do anything that Jace seemed to approve of. It felt like Simon wasn't really learning anything, just that he was continuously being yelled at over and over.

Naturally, Jace had scheduled a mission for Simon and Raphael's four month anniversary, and Simon knew the only thing that would do would be to put him on edge before their date that night. Or rather, that morning. They had decided that they would simply stay in and have their date in the Dumort since the sun would be up when Simon got back. The only thing that Simon hated about being a Daylighter was the fact that Raphael wasn't one.

Simon finally forced himself to get out of bed and put his gear on, completely reluctant to do so. Just as he had finished getting ready, he heard Raphael's slightly sleepy voice from the bed. "I really hate seeing you in that gear," he said, but Simon didn't need to turn around to hear the smile that was threatening to show in his voice.

The only thing that Simon could think to do was opt for the slightly snarky reply because otherwise he knew he'd show his annoyance at having to go on the mission in the first place. "Well, you can take it off of me later, so go back to sleep and get some rest." Simon turned around in time to see the smile that finally appeared on Raphael's face as he closed his eyes once more.

"You'll be fine, Simon," Raphael continued, picking up on Simon's nervousness in spite of Simon's effort to hide it. "Ignore what Jace says; he's got a complex anyway. You'll do perfectly as always." Simon walked over to the bed and bent down to gently kiss Raphael before heading for the door. "Break a leg," was the last thing Simon heard Raphael say as he left the Dumort.  
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"So," Jace said, his voice hinting on annoying already. "How are you and Raphael?" Simon held in a snort as he and Jace crept around a corner. He knew that the last thing Jace wanted to know was about his relationship with Raphael, and the last person Simon wanted to talk about Raphael with was Jace. Not that he really wanted to talk about his relationship with anyone at the moment, but certainly not with Jace.

"We both know that you don't care, so just focus on the mission, Herondale. Or even teaching me something, that would be nice, too." Simon simply couldn't force himself to hold in his bitterness, he was too annoyed with the entire situation to do so. He didn't even want to talk with himself about his relationship with Raphael. It wasn't that anything was wrong with them at the moment, it just felt to Simon as though they weren't moving things along at the proper pace. But he'd kept that to himself because he had the feeling he might be thinking those sort of things because of all the stress he'd been under lately.

Simon knew it was way too much to ask for Jace to actually keep silent for once. "Trouble in paradise?" was all he asked, but it was enough to make anger well up inside of Simon. He knew he should be paying attention to the mission, but all he could pay attention to was not punching Jace.

"That's none of your business," Simon replied, but he could hear that the anger he wanted to come across just wasn't really there, he didn't seem to have the energy for it anymore. "Now shut up and just find the demons so that I can go home." It was then that Jace was about to turn and say something, but before he could do so, Simon felt himself knocked off of his feet and into the nearest wall behind them. The last thing he thought about was the pain in his leg before he blacked out.  
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The last thing Simon wanted to do was wake up to see Jace's face first, but that's exactly what happened to him. As Jace came into focus, the only thing that Simon could think about was how angry he already was. The fact that he was seeing Jace first caused him to keep from noticing the pain he was in for several moments. The moment he noticed the pain was when he tried to sit up and the pain shot through almost every part of his body.

Before Jace could say or do anything, however, Simon felt Raphael's hands on him, pushing him back down. "Dios, you idiot, don't get up," he said, and Simon could hear the worry in his voice. Simon forced himself to keep from laughing when he saw the look on Jace's face and realized that Raphael had pushed him out of the way. "Just rest, okay?" Simon leaned back again, trying to keep the wince off of his face.

For a few moments, Simon took several deep breaths despite the fact that he didn't need them. After he steadied himself ever so slightly, he finally found it in himself to speak up. "What happened?" was all he asked, looking to Raphael, not Jace, for answers. He knew that didn't make any sense, but he also knew that looking at Jace would make him angry again.

"Apparently you were caught off guard by demons, and apparently Jace isn't competent enough to keep you safe, even though he's the one who was supposed to be looking after you." Simon could see that Jace wanted to say something, but it was a miracle that he remained silent. "Magnus healed most of what was wrong, but he couldn't heal your broken leg for some unknown reason. He's all-powerful and suddenly he can't heal a broken leg."

At that, Simon finally did smile, thinking back on Raphael's earlier comment. "Well, you told me to break a leg," he said, earning Raphael's signature scowl. He couldn't help but smile; he couldn't help but tease Raphael, trying to break the tension that was in the room. He knew Raphael would be annoyed with it, but it was also something that he could never resist.

He could see that Raphael wanted to smack the smile off of his face. "That was sarcasm, you idiot. That was sarcasm." Simon shook his head ever so slightly when he saw that Jace was about to speak up. The only person would could most likely cause Raphael to snap would be Jace, and at the moment, that was not what anyone needed.

"Why are you so worried, Raphael?" Simon asked, trying to distract Jace from whatever he had wanted to say. "I'm clearly not going to die from a broken leg. Well, I'm not going to die again from it. I'm fine; you know that." Raphael was shaking his head, but Simon could see that there was so much that he wanted to say, so much that he couldn't put into words that it was frustrating him more than anything.

"You really don't get it, do you?" Raphael replied, only confusing Simon. Instead of trying to work things out, Simon remained silent and waited for Raphael to continue. "Dios, Simon, I love you. I've been in love with you for months now, and you've been absolutely oblivious to it the entire time." Simon forced himself to keep from smiling, if only for a few more moments.

"I just have one question, Raphael," he said, making note of the fact that Jace was leaving the room. That was something he was very glad of, but he didn't take much time to dwell on the thought of Jace any longer. "Was that sarcasm again? I think I'm a little unclear on the concept, and I'd just like you to clarify that for me."

Simon found himself grinning as Raphael began mumbling "Dios" to himself over and over again. The only thing Simon could think to do was reach up and bring Raphael down to him, seeing as the other option was currently inviable. "I'll get it right eventually," he said just before Raphael's lips finally found his.

When Raphael pulled away because Simon was wincing in pain, trying, and failing, to move his leg, Simon couldn't help but smile through the wince at what he said. "You already have, Simon. Trust me, you already have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I've sorta been missing for a bit! Let me know your thoughts, and I'll try to get a lot more done this week!


	20. T: Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of J: Jail! Let me know your thoughts! I really enjoyed writing it!

Simon knew he was nervously fidgeting, and he also knew that Raphael was politely ignoring this, but it was something that he couldn't seem to stop. The more he fidgeted, the more he tried to make himself stop, and the more he continued to fidget. It was a vicious cycle, but it was one that Simon knew he wouldn't soon be able to break out of.

They were walking down the street toward the Downworlder restaurant that Simon had picked out for their date. His hope had been hat the simple Downworlder hangout would be mild enough for the both of them that they would be comfortable enough to relax and have a good time with one another. The only problem was that he was about a thousand times more nervous than he had planned on being, and he didn't know how to fix that. Simon kept continually worrying about why he had actually asked Raphael out to begin with. It had only been a few days since Raphael had called him to ask for bail money and Simon had used that situation to ask Raphael out.

"What are you thinking about?" Raphael asked, pulling Simon out of his thoughts. "You look worried," Raphael continued, glancing over at Simon in almost cautious way. It was as though he wanted to know what was making Simon nervous, but he was reluctant to bring it up, afraid that it would only make Simon more nervous.

"Oh, nothing," Simon replied, trying to make his voice sound as casual as possible. "I was just trying to figure out why you could have possibly thrown in mundane jail," he continued, attempting to hide the smile on his face from Raphael. This was a topic that Raphael had been studiously trying to avoid, so, naturally, it was just the topic that Simon tried to work into every conversation.

"Very funny, Lewis," Raphael responded, and Simon's smile widened when he heard Raphael trying to force his own smile off of his face. "But you'll have to wait until the end of the night to find that out." After several seconds, it seemed as though Raphael was going to continue, but he was abruptly cut off by the ringing of his phone.

Simon smiled once more as Raphael began grumbling after looking down to see Magnus's name on his phone. After a several long beats of silence, Raphael responded to Magnus in his usual tone that said he was very annoyed. "Let me get this straight. You need me to come to the Institute because there's a drunk vampire in the Sanctuary, and somehow, with all of you highly trained warriors, none of you can control him?"

It took Simon several long moments after they had switched their direction to understand that they were going to the Institute and not on their date. It took several moments after that realization for him to understand the feeling of disappointment that slowly set in over him. He relaxed ever so slightly when Raphael reached over to give his hand a quick squeeze, obviously trying to apologize for what was about to happen.  
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Walking into the Institute's Sanctuary was like walking into an utterly ridiculous dream, and Simon had to resist the great urge he felt to laugh. "Just tackle the vampire, Jace," Magnus was saying, practically screaming it over the commotion that the drunken vampire was making. It was obvious that Jace was very reluctant to physically tackle the vampire, and he assumed that Magnus only wanted to use magic as a last resort.

"What if he bites me?" Jace screamed back at Magnus. The vampire was running in lopsided circles, screaming various things that ranged from his long lost dog to something about a weird situation having to do with garlic. Simon could sense that Raphael was stifling his own laughter as well, so they both simply stood in the doorway, unable to find it in themselves to intervene just yet.

Simon smiled as Magnus looked over at Jace with a look of pure annoyance. "For the love of God, Wayland. You have died before. A little drunken vampire bite is not going to be the worst thing you ever experience." At that, Jace stepped toward the vampire's drunken circle. Simon was slightly impressed when Jace held out his hand, his palm landing directly on the vampire's head. He felt Raphael begin to laugh when they both realized that the vampire was still moving his legs, but the resistance against Jace's hand was keeping him in place.

"Everyone stop," Jace said, his voice drowning in false authority. "Wayland?" he asked, looking over at Magnus with a face scrunched up in complete confusion and annoyance. "Wayland? Seriously, Magnus? It's literally been years since we figured that one out. Wayland? Honestly, Magnus, I thought so much more of you."

Magnus was making some ridiculous motions, and now that Alec had walked in from the Institute side, they were all looking at Magnus with identical expressions of amusement. "Grab him now, Jace. Just grab him now. You've literally got him. Just grab him and this is all over." Jace began shaking his head, and Alec exchanged a glance with Simon, one that said he knew exactly what was about to happen, and Simon was fairly certain he knew as well.

"Nope, I don't think I will, Magnus," Jace said, an eerie smile spreading across his face. "Jace Wayland never took orders," he said, lifting his hand from the vampire's forehead. Simon watched as Alec shook his head and simply left the room, apparently knowing that he would be roped into helping if he stayed.

It was then that Magnus began mumbling various things, mostly having to do with "Trace Blerondale." Raphael continued laughing as he swiftly stepped forward and grabbed the vampire, knocking him out in one graceful movement. "That should keep him down for a while," Raphael said, turning to Magnus. "At least long enough for him to sober up. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to resume what I was doing before you pulled me into this ridiculous nonsense."  
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Instead of resuming their date, Simon and Raphael annoyingly ended up back at the Dumort despite Simon's intense protestation. "Oh, calm down, Lewis," Raphael said, steering Simon toward the couch. "That date meant more to you than you wanted to admit, didn't it?" he asked, sitting down beside of Simon and taking his hand.

Simon didn't really know how to reply, so he opted for a joke instead of trying to take it seriously. "Maybe I just really wanted to know why you were thrown in jail," he said, noting the soft smile that appeared on Raphael's face. "Maybe I'm just afraid I'll never know. Even though I was technically not the one who ruined our date."

Raphael chuckled before turning toward Simon. "You want to know the truth?" His voice hinged on nervous, and Simon could only imagine why, so he simply nodded, unwilling to give up the current advantage he had. "You heard about the fire that happened at the old hotel a few blocks from here, right?" He shook his head when he saw the look on Simon's face. "No, I didn't start it, calm down."

Simon gave a sigh of relief and smiled a bit, trying to urge Raphael to continue. "I was walking by about the time the fire started, and there was a woman screaming about how her six-year-old daughter was still in the building. I snuck in and grabbed the girl, but, well, I didn't want to admit that I was the one who had saved her." Simon gave him a look, knowing that Raphael had a problem with being seen as a hero. "So when the mundane police showed up, I panicked and told them I must have been the one to accidentally set the fire. Something about smoking in my hotel room and falling asleep."

When he finished speaking, Raphael looked down at his hand in Simon's, obviously embarrassed by what he had done. The problem was that Simon couldn't seem to find any fault in it, not based on what he knew about Raphael. "If you don't want to be the world's hero, Raphael, that's fine. It can be our little secret." He smiled as Raphael looked up at him once more, the ghost of a smile playing across his face as well.

"Plus," Simon continued, having virtually no idea what he was saying, simply speaking with his heart instead of his mind. "I'd rather have you as my own personal hero. And you don't have to go around saving children from fires for me to already know that you're a hero, Raphael. There was nothing to be embarrassed about. You've been my hero from the moment you first called me 'Lewis,' and I promise that that's the truth." Simon couldn't help but smile as Raphael's lips found his. Sure, their date had been ruined, but Simon knew it was much better that way.


	21. U: Unfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is possibly my favorite of them all! Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Note: When I say Max, I'm talking about the original Max Lightwood!

Simon woke up disoriented and confused. The last thing he remembered was walking home after a terribly long day with Clary. They'd been training in various ways, apparently Jace said that he needed to sharpen his new vampire and Daylighter abilities. Clary's idea of training, however, involved a lot of sitting in the park with his eyes closed and sharpening his hearing by telling her everything that was going on around them. This idea had apparently come to her when Simon had practically gotten himself killed on a mission when he hadn't heard a demon coming.

Now he was waking up in a place that he was fairly certain he'd never been before. He sat up carefully, trying to assess whether or not he was hurt before fully getting up. When he determined that he was fine, he sat up completely, and immediately became even more confused when he saw Raphael across the room from him. He had no idea where they were, some sort of bedroom, and he happened to be on the bed. Raphael was staring at him from where he was sitting on the floor, seemingly calm.

"What's going on?" Simon asked, trying to keep himself calm as well. Over the past few weeks, he and Raphael had been attempting to mend their relationship after their terribly rocky start. They'd decided that the Shadowhunters would take over most of Simon's training because of the simple fact that they could hardly train for ten minutes without some sort of an argument ensuing.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Raphael replied, looking away from Simon and toward the door. There were no windows in the room, and Simon couldn't figure out if that was to protect Raphael from the sun or to keep them from leaving. His best bet was that it was for both reasons, and he didn't need to try the door to know that it was locked.

Simon leaned back on the bed once more, inexplicably exhausted. He didn't know how long they sat in silence, but it was obvious that Raphael didn't want speak about whatever was going on. Before long, the door opened, revealing a man Simon had never seen before. "I bet you're wondering who I am," he said, directing the comment toward Simon.

Before the man could say anything else, Raphael spoke up, remaining on the floor. "He's Magnus's father. Asmodeus. A prince of hell." Raphael's voice was flat and emotionless, but Simon knew him well enough to know that he was hiding all of his emotions where no one could ever hope to find them. Simon didn't even begin to try to figure out what was going on in Raphael's mind.

Asmodeus simply threw a smile in Raphael's direction and moved to set two glasses of blood on the bedside table. "I just came to give the two of you dinner. You'd better keep up your strength, Raphael, you've got a lot of work to do for me tonight." With that, Asmodeus turned and left the room. Simon didn't hear a lock on the door latch, but he knew that it was sealed with magic.

"What are you doing for him?" Simon asked almost as soon as the door had closed. "Magnus refused to tell us who his father was, and I have the feeling that he had a very good reason for that. So why on earth would you ever do anything for someone like him? I know that sometimes your line between good and evil is a little skewed, but you certainly have to have a better set of morals than this."

Simon was going to say much more, but Raphael abruptly cut him off, his voice filled with the usual annoyance that indicated he was speaking to Simon. "Shut up for just a second, will you?" he asked, his voice so sharp that Simon had no choice but to stop talking. "I have no choice but to do exactly what he tells me to do. If you knew anything about Asmodeus, you would know that as well. I once paid a lot of money to find out a lot of things about that demon, and I do not care to find the truth of those facts."

For several moments, Simon considered the weight of this. Raphael was right that he had no idea what kind of a situation they were in. Before Simon could say anything else, Raphael spoke once more. "He told me he would kill you if I didn't do exactly what he asked of me." Raphael's voice sounded very far away.

Simon began speaking before he had the time to think about what was coming out of his mouth. "Why does that matter at all? You've never cared what happened to me. I'm sure Asmodeus killing me will be a much better option than whatever he wants you to do for him." Raphael wouldn't meet Simon's eyes, and Simon was at a complete loss as to figure out why that was.

No matter how much Simon talked, no matter how many questions he asked, Raphael refused to speak to him anymore. After several minutes of trying, Simon simply leaned back against the wall and began trying to figure out what he was going to do. Of course, he came up with absolutely nothing that he could use to get out of the situation before Asmodeus came back into the room.

"I guess it's time to tell you your assignment of the night, isn't it, Raphael?" Asmodeus's smile made Simon sick. He hated the sound of Asmodeus's voice, but Simon hated his smile even more so. When Raphael kept his eyes trained on the floor and his mouth shut, Asmodeus continued. "You're going to kill Max Lightwood."  
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The waiting was absolutely murderous for Simon. He'd been screaming at Raphael when he'd exited the room by Asmodeus's side, but that hadn't seemed to change anything. Simon wanted to go to sleep; he wanted to rest, but all he could think of was Max. The little boy had stolen his heart from the moment they'd begun talking about comics together. He didn't want to admit that Max was like the little brother he'd always wanted, that he was far more fond of Max than he felt he should be. They had spent several nights watching superhero movies that Max had never seen before, and each time, Simon couldn't help but wish that Max had had the chance to have a normal childhood.

Now all he could think of was the possibility that Raphael was going to kill Max and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He'd tried breaking down the door, he'd tried everything he could think of, but nothing had budged in the slightest. Simon couldn't figure out why Raphael had so willingly gone with Asmodeus. Of course, Raphael had often been slightly over the line, but he'd never before gone so far.

Simon jumped up as soon as the door opened to reveal Raphael and Max. He immediately took hold of Max and pulled him away from Raphael, squatting down to Max's level. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice frantic as he reached to straighten Max's glasses. "Did he hurt you?"

Max looked at Simon with a bit of a confused expression. "Yes and no, Simon. What's going on? I'm really scared and I want to go home." Simon was surprised when Max leaned forward and pushed himself into Simon's arms. He held Max like that for several moments before standing and pushing Max behind him, keeping hold of Max's hand as he did so.

"You're insane if you think I'm going to let you kill him," Simon said to Raphael, his heart breaking when he felt Max's grip on his hand tighten. "You'll have to kill us both, and then that will ruin everything, won't it? So don't think for a second that this plan of yours, whatever it might be, is going to work." Simon felt Max take a step toward him, obviously terrified.

"Simon, shut up, please," Raphael replied, cutting Simon off once again. "I am not going to kill that child, but I had to get out and away from Asmodeus, now didn't I? He had to think that I was going along with his plan if I had any hope of getting any sort of message to Magnus." That kept Simon's mouth shut because he was ashamed to admit that he'd thought the worst of Raphael.

"Simon?" Max's voice was very weak behind him. "What does Alec's boyfriend have to do with this?" Max seemed genuinely concerned, and Simon knew that it was because he and Magnus were also fairly close to each other and he was worried that Magnus might have turned on him too. Simon considered ignoring this, but he knew that Max would continue to ask him until he answered.

"Hopefully Magnus won't have much to do with this at all, Max," he said, his eyes still trained on Raphael. "I don't know what you think Magnus is going to do for us, but this is hopeless and you know it. All you've done is drag a kid into this." Simon resisted the urge to smile when he felt Max squeeze his hand in silent protestation over being call a kid.

Raphael sat down and refused to speak, insisting that Magnus was going to come and get them out of the situation. Max curled up in Simon's lap, terribly scared but unwilling to admit that. Simon forced himself to keep his eyes off of Raphael when Max asked him to tell him a story. Naturally, Simon ended up going with the plot of Star Wars, mostly because he knew that Max would have no idea what that was.

When the door opened, Max flinched further into Simon, but he sprung out of Simon's lap when he realized that Alec and Magnus were the ones there and not Asmodeus. "Alec!" he yelled, jumping into Alec's arms without an ounce of hesitation. "Oh thank god," Alec mumbled into Max's hair. Simon risked a glance at Raphael to see that there was an inexplicable smile on his face.

"What happened? How did you get in here?" Raphael asked Magnus the obvious questions. Magnus glanced at Max and Alec, the ghost of a smile playing across his face as well. The more Simon looked at the two brothers, the more he understood that he would have gladly given his life for Max, and the more that very thought scared him.

"My father was apparently testing you, Raphael," Magnus replied, risking a glance at Simon this time. "He was testing both of you. For the first time I've ever known, he wasn't ever intending to follow through with his word." Magnus paused reaching over to ruffle Max's hair. "And apparently both of you passed that test," he finished, clearly happy that things had turned out the way they had.

Naturally, Raphael immediately looked very angry. "What kind of a nut job does something like that?" he asked, his voice seething with rage. "I know he's a demon but what on earth was he thinking? I was very certain that I was going to have to die for these two." Simon had to look down at his feet to hide the smile on his face, but he was taken aback when Raphael continued speaking.

"And this idiot," he said, motion toward Simon with a gesture Simon couldn't possibly begin to decode. "Is far too oblivious to understand that I put us all in this unfortunate situation because when Asmodeus said he was going to kill Simon, the thought of that happening made me want to die again." Simon looked up when Raphael finished speaking, glancing behind Raphael to see a huge smile on Max's face.

When no one spoke in any way, it was Max who broke the silence. "I don't think it was very unfortunate," he said, looking between Simon and Raphael. "It made you finally admit your feelings for Simon." At that, Simon didn't attempt to hide his smile. "Though I have to admit that I thought you were really going to kill me for a while."

At that, Raphael chuckled and turned around toward Max. "If I'd so much as tried to pull a hair from your head, Simon would have had me on the ground before I could even think about reconsidering." Simon laughed and inclined his head when Max looked over at him. "No, Max, I think you're right," Raphael continued. "I think the situation would have been much more unfortunate for me if I hadn't told Simon I had no intentions of hurting you."

"I have an idea for a much less unfortunate situation," Max said, the smile on his face only widening. Raphael raised an eyebrow in question, clearly fighting the smile that was threatening him as well. "You, me, Simon, and superheroes," Max finished, causing even Alec to laugh. Simon couldn't keep the smile off of his face when Raphael actually admitted that he would love that. It was the only situation Simon wanted to think about at the moment, but the next thing he knew he had to do was find the next unfortunate situation that would force Raphael to actually admit more of what he was feeling.


	22. V: Visitor

Raphael walked down the hallway on autopilot. He didn't need to look to know where he was going; he'd been here every night for the past four weeks. He walked by a nurse who waved at him and smiled in such a happy way that it set him off. He ignored the nurse and kept walking to where he knew he would always inevitably end up.

Simon looked peaceful, but he knew that was the deceptive part. Simon had been in the hospital for the past four weeks, and with each and every day it looked like they'd hooked him up to more and more wires and bags. Catarina had been studiously taking care of him, but apparently no one seemed to know what was wrong other than the fact that he was in a coma. Raphael had narrowly saved Simon from being Turned by other members of the clan about five weeks ago, but apparently he would have been better off that way.

Every night, Magnus came in and tried to convince him to go home and get some rest. But the only way Raphael would go home would be when he was forced to because the sun was rising. As Raphael turned to enter Simon's room, he didn't hold back a groan as he saw that Magnus was already there. He was about to tell Magnus to either leave or get out of his seat when Magnus got up as soon as he realized that Raphael was there.

"We need to talk, Raphael, and not because I think you should go back to the Dumort and actually rest for once." Magnus allowed Raphael to take his usual seat beside of Simon, moving to take the seat on the other side of Simon's bed. "I have a few questions for you first, though," Magnus said, his eyes scanning Raphael in the way that Raphael knew meant he was trying to read him. "Why have you been here every night?"

Raphael had known this question would come from someone sooner or later, it was the obvious question, but that hadn't prepared him for it any more. "Isn't it obvious, Bane?" was all he was able to say, but his usual bitterness and sarcasm wasn't truly in it.

"No, Santiago, it's not. It's only obvious to me because I've known you for almost a century. But to everyone else? No, no one can figure out where on earth this actually came from." Magnus sounded far angrier than Raphael would have predicted. "Everyone else thinks this came out of nowhere. Everyone else thought you wanted Simon dead until a four weeks ago." Raphael kept his eyes steadily trained on Simon, but he could see Magnus's point.

What Raphael couldn't do was bring himself to respond to Magnus. When he refused to respond, Magnus continued, knowing that Raphael would remain silent for as long as needed. "Fine, don't answer that, I don't need you to answer it for me. But what we need to talk about is the fact that Simon isn't getting any better."

Raphael knew that in that moment, if his heart had still been beating, it would have stopped right then. He had also been trying to avoid that fact, but he knew that Magnus was always looking to bring to light everything that he was trying to avoid. "What's your point, Magnus?" he asked, his voice distant even to himself.

"Catarina thinks that he may never get better at all." Raphael had also sensed that that was coming. Magnus was sometimes a bit grumpy, but he was hardly ever on edge in this way. "They're considering taking him off of life support, Raphael. They don't think he'll ever wake up." Raphael finally looked up at Magnus then, wishing that he had the courage to say absolutely anything at all. "Clary was here earlier and she said she'd like to talk to you, so just make sure you wait here, which I'm sure you won't have any problem doing," Magnus said, standing up and heading for the door. "If you need anything at all, you know how to reach me," he finished, gently shutting the door behind him.

Raphael suddenly found himself reaching for Simon's hand, something he hadn't allowed himself to do until now. He closed his eyes when he felt the warmth of Simon's hand, when he felt the blood flowing beneath Simon's skin. Simon was so undeniably alive, and Raphael knew that was one of the reasons he'd been drawn toward Simon in the beginning. Raphael didn't open his eyes, but instead he focused on the beating of Simon's heart, knowing that it was the only thing keeping him tethered in that room.

He didn't know how much time passed before the door opened once more, but he didn't need to open his eyes to know that it was Clary. When he finally opened his eyes, Clary was sitting in the seat that Magnus had earlier vacated, her eyes soft in a way that told Raphael she'd been crying. He couldn't blame her for that; she was facing losing her best friend. Raphael's heart tore at the thought of losing Ragnor, who he'd largely considered his best friend for the better part of the past century. He didn't know how Clary was so genuinely calm.

"Raphael," she said, her voice still drowning in sorrow. "I talked to Magnus, and I just wanted to clarify a few things. Mostly for my own curiosity." Raphael had to look down at Simon once more, the look on Clary's face was filled with too much sympathy and pain. But when his eyes landed on Simon's hand in his, the hand with an IV stuck in it, he couldn't seem to move his eyes back up to Clary.

"I just don't understand what you're feeling, and I would kind of like clarification. Simon thought you hated him. It's now obvious that you don't, though." Her voice trailed off, and Raphael finally looked up once more to meet her eyes. He hated the soft look in her eyes, the look that said she was feeling sorry for him. He hated people feeling sorry for him, and this situation was no exception.

"I have never hated Simon, and I never will," Raphael replied, his voice sounding terribly far away even to himself. "What I did to him, I only did because I was trying to protect him from the same fate that I ended up with. I see so much of me in him, and that scares me, sure. But I've never wanted him to become what I've become. I had this life forced on me, and I couldn't stand by and watch it forced on someone else."

Clary was looking at him with a mixture of confusion and something that Raphael couldn't exactly read. It seemed as though she was touched by what he was saying, which was something he hadn't expected. "If I'm being completely honest, I never told Simon how I feel because I was afraid of how he might respond." Raphael paused for a moment, willing Clary to begin talking again so that he wouldn't have to, but that was something that she didn't do. "I know you're wondering how I feel exactly, but that's something I can barely put into words."

Raphael watched as Clary leaned over to brush the hair away from Simon's eyes. There was something so intimate about the simple action that it made Raphael want to look away. "I fell for Simon because I can see in him everything that I could have become, everything that I wish I had become. Simon intrigued me from the beginning because he's already twice the man I'll ever be. I love everything I see in Simon. There isn't anything that I don't wish to become one day."

At that, Raphael stopped speaking, the last of his energy slowly slipping away from him. He was surprised to see that Clary was softly smiling, her eyes still on Simon. "I never thought I would hear you say anything like that, Raphael," she admitted, her voice gentler than it had been before. "If Simon somehow makes it out of this, I think he would love to hear that from you."  
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Simon woke up two days later, and Raphael got the call from Magnus in the middle of the day. Magnus saying, "Do not walk out that door, Raphael, it is noon," was the only thing that kept Raphael's head straight long enough to remember that the sun was up. He hardly slept until the sun went down, worried about what Clary would say as much as he was worried about how Simon was doing.

Walking into Simon's hospital room that night was a much different experience than it had been before. Simon was sitting up, and as soon as Raphael entered the room, Clary got up left. "I heard you said some pretty interesting things, Santiago," Simon said, his voice filled with his usual sarcastic banter. Raphael flashed a weak smile and took his usual seat beside of Simon's bed.

"You seem to already know exactly what I said," Raphael replied, his voice much lighter than he would have expected it to be, the effects of seeing Simon awake already working. "So let me ask you something instead. What do you think made you wake up?" Simon seemed to consider that for several moments, his eyes curiously flicking toward the door before coming back to rest on Raphael once more.

"You think I know what you said because Clary told me, but she didn't breathe a word of it," Simon answered, his voice slightly quicker than normal. "I heard you myself, Raphael. I may have been in a coma, but I heard you as though I was wide awake." Raphael looked down at his feet, completely taken aback, unable to find anything he needed to say. "You want to know what I think made me wake up. Honestly, I think it was you."

From the look on Simon's face, it was obvious that he knew the exact effect this statement had on Raphael. Raphael knew that if he had a heartbeat, his heart would be beating much too fast at the moment. "I'm not going to admit that I know exactly how I feel yet, Raphael. But what I do know is that what you said meant the world to me. But I also need to tell you something as well."

Raphael remained silent, slowly leveling his eyes with Simon's once more. "Something pulled inside of me when I heard what you said. And I think that's because of how I do feel for you. I look up to you, Raphael. I see in you so many things that I would like to be. But you don't see yourself that way, and that breaks my heart." Simon smiled then, and Raphael wanted nothing more than to ensure the smile stayed where it was. "When I heard you, it made me want to stick around and get you to realize exactly what I do see in you. It made me want to show you yourself through my eyes. And that's exactly what I intend to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts! I really enjoyed this one as well! Send in your ideas for W-Z if you have any!


	23. W: Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of the credit goes to tumblr user aleccssmagnus (Katie)! We were throwing head canon ideas back and forth and we both came up with different parts of it and well...this happened! Let me know your thoughts!

Simon knew he shouldn't be antagonizing Raphael, but it was something he simply couldn't help sometimes. He knew that he should start trying to show his affection in other ways, but he also knew that wasn't very likely to happen. "You know what?" he said, turning toward Raphael who was mixing true Blood Marys for their date night. "You're like my own personal angel," he finished, unable to hid the smile in his voice.

It was very hard for Simon to keep from laughing when Raphael whirled on him. "Oh for the love of god," he said, his own voice filled with amusement. "Do not go around saying things like that. People will never respect me again. You know I've got an image to uphold." Simon knew that Raphael was only partially joking. They had always been very careful about what parts of their relationship they showed in public. As leader of the Clan, Raphael had to maintain a certain amount of power.

In public, things were hardly different than if they were just friends. Simon tried to keep his hands off of Raphael as much as possible when others were around, particularly any of the other Clan members. But being alone together was a completely different story. When they were alone, Raphael quickly became much more romantic than Simon had ever imagined he could be, and Simon looked for any opportunity to touch Raphael, even in the smallest of ways. If their elbows were touching one another, Simon was happy.

"Okay, Raphael, but if you're not, then why do you have an angel's name?" Simon asked, chuckling as Raphael looked back down at their drinks and began mumbling in Spanish. Smiling, Simon walked over to wrap his arms around Raphael from behind, placing his head on Raphael's shoulder. "Every day we're surrounded by people who are part angel, and yet you're my favorite of them all," he said, his voice soft in a way that he knew it only was with Raphael.

Raphael turned in Simon's arms and held up their drinks. Instead of having a "normal" dinner, Simon lead Raphael to the couch, throwing his legs over Raphael and leaning to put his cheek on Raphael's shoulder. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Simon asked, knowing his voice was full of sarcasm.

"No, but it's going to hurt when I push you into hell," Raphael replied, taking Simon's drink from his hand and placing it on the coffee table. Before Simon could make another joke back, Raphael's lips were on his, and he completely forgot what he was planning on saying. Simon leaned into Raphael's touch, his skin responding to the sensation despite the lack of blood flow.

Simon knew he didn't need to pull away from Raphael to take a breath, but he did so regardless. "So maybe you don't like 'angel,' but I've heard the youth these days love the term 'bae,' so how about that one?" Raphael looked as though he was going to murder Simon, obviously holding himself back from closing the few inches that separated them.

"You really know how to kill a mood, don't you?" he responded, but his heart wasn't truly in it. Simon wasn't oblivious at all to what Raphael's heart was really in, so he stopped speaking and closed the gap between the two of them, smiling into Raphael's lips.  
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Over the next couple of weeks, Simon couldn't help but calling Raphael 'angel' any time he got the chance. Raphael pretended like he hated the nickname, but from the fact that he hid a smile every time Simon said it, he could easily tell that Raphael was trying to keep up his "image." They were currently at Magnus's for a small get-together that Magnus had insisted they all come to, and Simon was trying his best to keep from using Raphael's new nickname, but every time Simon tried to say something to him, the urge was there.

Eventually, a slipup did occur, and Simon regretted it as soon as it happened. He'd asked Raphael to bring him another drink when Raphael got up from the couch, and, "Thanks, angel," had slipped out of his mouth before he could seem to do anything about it. From the look on Raphael's face, it was clear that Raphael immediately assumed that Simon had done so on purpose.

The fact that Magnus was laughing hysterically did not help when Simon tried to apologize. "Just forget it," Raphael snapped, practically throwing himself uncomfortably back into his seat beside of Simon. It was then that Simon risked a glance around the room to see Jace and Alec exchanging a terribly surprised look that said neither of them were expecting such a thing to come out of Simon's mouth. Looking at Clary's huge smile was the only thing that kept Simon in his seat. Jace and Alec were clearly uncomfortable with the thought that anyone who didn't carry angel blood might be called an angel, but Clary was obviously only seeing the fact that her best friend was happy.  
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As soon as the door to their bedroom shut, Simon launched into his apology. He'd been forming it and practicing it from the moment Raphael had told him to forget about it. "Raphael, listen to me please. I'm very sorry for what I said; I just want you to know that I would never do that to you on purpose. It was just habit and I'm so sorry for that, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just a word, and I swear." Simon stopped short as Raphael raised a hand.

Simon studied Raphael's face, hoping beyond hope that Raphael wasn't about to ask him to sleep in a spare room. It was hard for Simon to keep his eyes level with Raphael's, awaiting the answer he felt he knew was inevitable. "Shut up, Simon," Raphael said, his voice curiously gentle for the anger that Simon thought he could see. "Just shut up and kiss me," Raphael finished. Simon was frozen for several seconds, utterly surprised at what Raphael had just said, but when it sunk in, he closed the gap between them, seeing as it was far too large.  
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Raphael had seemed very happy to get a call from Ragnor the next night, and Simon smiled as he watched Raphael talking with his best friend. Raphael had reluctantly admitted that he didn't care what Simon called him and who was around when he did it. "If you're calling me something because you love me, then call me that no matter who's around. Your love is what gets me up at night." That admission had, naturally, lead to more kissing, and Simon hadn't dared argue with it.

Simon sat smiling at the memory, knowing he likely looked like a fool. He paused, however, as Raphael looked down at his phone in confusion. "Did you say something?" he asked Simon, then shook his head as if answering his own question. "No, of course you didn't. Of course it was Magnus Bane." Simon scrunched his eyes in confusion, but he didn't have to ask the question to get it answered. "How else would Ragnor have known to call me 'angel?'" Raphael began mumbling to himself, and Simon had to look down to hide his smile.

After Simon got Raphael calmed down as much as possible, they decided to head downstairs to get some blood, but Simon immediately regretted that. "Hi, angel," Lily said as soon as they were through the door. Raphael kept walking without saying a word, and Simon raced to catch up with him, gesturing apologetically at Lily as he walked out of the Dumort.

"Raphael, wait, where are you going?" Simon asked as he finally got back into step with Raphael. "I thought we decided that it was okay. I thought you said that you didn't care who made fun of you for it." Simon risked a glance at Raphael, and he was happy to see that a trace of amusement was still there. His only hope was that Raphael was leaving for any reason other than the fact that he was angry.

"Get out of my way Simon," Raphael said despite the fact that Simon wasn't truly in his way. "I've got a warlock to kill." Raphael shot Simon a look that could have killed when Simon began openly laughing. "I honestly don't know how he works that fast, but I intend to find out so that I can put his practices to my own personal use." The smile remained on Simon's face as he and Raphael kept walking, mostly because he knew they were walking away from Magnus's apartment, not toward it. "If you're wondering, I've decided to show you my favorite place in New York," Raphael said, echoing Simon's thoughts. "I've never shared this with anyone, so you should feel very lucky, sunshine."

Simon couldn't hide his surprise enough to keep from looking at Raphael with confusion written all over his face. He smiled softly at Raphael's hearty laugh. "Get it? Sunshine. Because you're a Daylighter." Simon snorted as he slipped his hand into Raphael's, knowing that he would follow Raphael anywhere.


	24. X: Xenium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: A xenium is a "gift or offering given to a stranger, which in its native Ancient Greece would once have been a lavish feast or a refreshing spread of food and fruit."

When Simon first woke up, he was filled with terror. He automatically knew what had happened to him, that was no question. He didn't have to look at Clary's utterly horrified face to know what was happening. The overwhelming feeling of hunger that washed over him like a tsunami was plenty to tell him that this Simon was far different from the Simon before the blackness had overwhelmed him. Simon knew that he was a vampire even before he looked at anyone else around him.

The worst part of waking up wasn't the huger that clawed through every inch of his body. The worst part was the looks on everyone's faces. Within the first few seconds, Simon easily realized that he was now a monster. Clary's look alone was enough to tell him everything he needed to know. Her disgust was easy to see; she was entirely unable to hide it.

Then there was a bag of blood at his feet, and nothing could keep him from tearing into it, especially not the fact that Clary looked away with tears in her eyes as he did so. Several bags of blood later, the bite of hunger receded to the back of his mind, and Simon was able to finally look at who had been throwing the blood at him in the first place.

The look on Raphael's face startled Simon. Not because it was filled with disgust and shame like everyone else's, but because it wasn't. Raphael's look was filled with pity, but it was also filled with understanding, and both of those were things that Simon had never expected from Raphael of all people.

"It will take a few days to get used to everything," Raphael said when Simon started blinking rapidly, slightly disoriented by his new eyesight. Raphael's voice was terribly gentle in a way Simon had never heard it before. "You've got a lot to learn, Simon," he said, his eyes sliding toward the Shadowhunters. "You need to come with me. You'll need more blood soon. The hunger will subside in a couple of days, but until then you need to be monitored constantly."

Simon edged out of consciousness when Jace began arguing with Raphael. He apparently thought that the Shadowhunters would be better able to take care of Simon, but Raphael had many other ideas. Simon had no idea what they were saying; he was swimming in and out of even knowing who he was. The hunger was coming in waves now, at times it was only in the back of his mind, at times it was all Simon knew.

"Simon?" Clary was standing right in front of him and he hadn't noticed. "You don't have to go with him," she said, her voice full of concern. At first, Simon thought Clary was right; she was his best friend after all, she would never steer him the wrong way. But then he looked back at Raphael and the pain of hunger washed over him once more and he forced himself to shake his head.

"I think I need to go with Raphael," he said, every word painfully formed, the pain taking over every inch of his body. Raphael nodded and stepped in between Simon and the Shadowhunters, and Simon knew there was no going back now.

"The hunger pains are already getting to him, step out of the way so I can get him what he really needs." Raphael's voice was apparently forceful enough to cause Jace to pull Clary away. The next thing Simon knew, Raphael was leading him away from the cemetery and the only thing he could do was follow along, hoping that Raphael would soon help him take the pain away.  
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Now Simon was sitting in his room at the Dumort, trying to force himself to drink the blood that Lily had brought him earlier. His disgust with the blood was immense, but the hunger was slowly washing over him once more and he knew he needed to drink before it turned into the pain he'd felt too often already. The only thing that Simon could seem to do, however, was stare at the bottle, the pain inching out from his chest to every other part of his body.

He didn't notice that Raphael had entered his room until he cleared his throat. As soon as Simon looked up, he could see the concern on Raphael's face. He didn't want concern or pity, but he didn't have the energy to get up and leave the room, the hunger already taking him over. "It's a bit easier if you just drink it all at once," he said, moving to take a seat beside of Simon's bed. "The first few times after you're conscious enough to understand what's happening are rough, I know. But after you just do it a few times you'll eventually acquire the taste."

Simon skeptically looked between the drink and Raphael. After several more seconds, Simon finally downed the blood all at once, his face scrunching up in disgust. The effect was immediate, and Simon sighed in relief when the pain went away altogether. Raphael flashed a weak smile as if to say, 'I told you so.' "Why are you being so nice about this?" Simon asked, his curiosity had been off the charts since Raphael had helped him so much the night of his Turning.

Instead of answering the question, Raphael reached out and handed Simon a black gift bag. Simon couldn't find it in himself to ask Raphael what was going on, so he simply reached in the bag, unable to hide his smile when he realized exactly what he was holding. The bag was filled with comic books, something that Simon would have dismissed before he read the title, Blade the Vampire Hunter. "He's part vampire, but he hates vampires so much that he's made it his mission to kill them all," Raphael explained, his voice oddly light.

Simon flipped through the comic, at a loss to understand what Raphael was trying to do. He didn't realize he was smiling until he looked back up at Raphael. "It's just that I know how much of a nerd you are, and I know how hard the transition is. So I thought you might enjoy something that reminds you of who you really are."

That was a reasonable enough statement, and Simon knew that, but the statement made him emotional nonetheless. "That's the problem," he said, throwing the comic book aside. "I don't know who I am anymore. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been turned completely upside down. There's nothing left of Simon Lewis."

Raphael seemed to consider this for several moments before finally responding, his voice filled with an emotion that Simon couldn't pin down. "Simon, Turning isn't easy. No one ever said it was. But there is much more of the old you inside you than you think there is." Simon looked over as Raphael reached to lift the chain that was always on his neck. Simon was entirely surprised to see the cross that was hanging from the bottom of it.

"When I was first Turned, I thought the same thing that you think now. I thought that the old me was gone, that I would never get him back." Raphael paused, his eyes searching Simon's face for any sign of change in emotion. "I wear this as a reminder of that very fact. It's easy to lose sight of who I am in the Shadow World. But Turning has not changed you as much as you want to think." Simon looked back at him with minor confusion, entirely unsure of what to say.

"Raphael, I still don't understand why you're being so nice to me," he finally said. Still confused as to what was going on. Raphael had never been like this before, at least not that Simon had ever seen. "You've hated me from the moment you met me. Why are you doing this now?" Simon searched for any hint in Raphael's expression, but Raphael was as stoic as ever.

"If I'm being honest, Simon," Raphael began carefully, as though he didn't want to overstep his boundaries. "I see so much of myself in you. I never wanted this for you, but now that it's happened, I'm going to help you through it as best I can. No one can do this on their own, Simon. And I don't intend to let you try."

Simon was so confused about the sudden change in everything that Raphael was saying that he had no idea how to respond. "You're not the monster you think you are," Raphael said, getting up from his seat and heading for the door. "You're going to need blood again very shortly," he idly said, as though it was just another fact of life. "Come with me and I'll teach you to get past the disgust." As Simon stood up, Raphael turned and smiled softly. "Then when we're done, maybe I'll teach you about Blade and you can teach me about Batman or whoever the kids like these days."


	25. Y: You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore the fact that I've updated several times today! Let me know your thoughts!

Simon absolutely hated Clan meetings or Downworlder meetings or just meetings in general, but Raphael had appointed him as advisor for a reason Simon would never understand. So every time there was a meeting, Raphael forced Simon to dress up in one of his fancy suits and sit through the meeting. Simon had to admit that he didn't mind too much, as long as he was with Raphael, but this time, it was a meeting with Shadowhunters, and the more they talked, the angrier Simon became.

It got to the point that Simon simply stopped listening. He figured it was much better to have no idea what was going on than to blurt something out that he shouldn't say. So he decided to try to decipher his feelings for Raphael, which had become a little muddled lately, but when they began talking, however, about the recent events of Clary and the Lightwoods, Simon's attention was recaptured. Robert and Maryse were there, but apparently none of the actual people in question had been allowed to come speak for themselves. Magnus was there purely because he was a leader in the community, but everyone seemed to be ignoring him.

When the questioning turned to Robert and Maryse with respect to what their children had been doing recently, Simon easily sensed a change in the room's atmosphere. "I refuse to believe that our children have done anything wrong," Robert was saying, his voice tight. "They were simply reacting in the ways they'd been taught. They fixed much more than they messed up. And the things they messed up they had no idea what they were dealing with."

Simon glanced at Magnus, surprised to see just how tense he had become since Robert had begun speaking. He couldn't blame Magnus in any way, seeing how Alec's feelings for him had just come to the attention of the Lightwood parents, and they were both less than thrilled. Simon couldn't help but think that they would have been much happier if Alec had set his sights on a Shadowhunter man.

What Robert said next, however, caught Simon by surprise, even though he should have known it was coming. "The accusations against Alexander are all circumstantial," he paused and shot an almost angered look toward Magnus. "I am convinced that his actions were clouded by his confusion. He was convinced that he understood his feelings for this warlock." Robert threw his hand in Magnus's direction. "But I speak for my son when I say that any actions he takes from here on out will not be like his previous ones. His confusion will clear soon enough."

Simon looked at Magnus once more. His mouth was partially open, as though he desperately wanted to say something, but he didn't know exactly what to say or how to say it. Simon shot out of his seat before he knew what he was doing, stepping to the side so that he missed Raphael's hand when it shot up to pull him back down. "Hold on a second," he said, his voice much stronger than he thought it would have been.

Out of the corner of his eye, Simon saw Magnus shift in his seat, obviously wishing he could be anywhere else. "I'd like to ask you to please keep from speaking about Alec as though he is confused and broken. He isn't either of those things. Alec's actions were just as clear as everyone else's. His feelings for Magnus had nothing to do with any of his actions, anyway. But even if they had, he's not someone who needs to be fixed. His sexuality doesn't make him broken. You didn't think he was broken before you knew about it, so why would it make him broken now? So please refrain from speaking about him as though his sexuality has broken him. Even if you are his father."

Simon thought it best to leave then, knowing that Robert would likely be incredibly angry. He smiled at Magnus on his way out, hoping that what he'd just done wouldn't backfire on Magnus. It was easy to feel Raphael's eyes on him as he left the room, but Simon kept from turning back around, knowing that things would blow up on him if he did.  
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Simon was very confused when Raphael sent for him later. When he walked in the room, Simon was surprised to see that Raphael wasn't angry at all, which was the opposite of what he had expected. Simon remained silent as Raphael asked everyone to leave the room so that he could speak with Simon, and Simon idly wondered if Raphael was just waiting for everyone to leave before he became angry.

A lump was forming in Simon's throat, and he found himself becoming worried about what Raphael thought of his little episode earlier. He was so confused about everything that he forced himself to only focus on the present moment, unable to function by doing anything else. "Why are you smiling like that?" he asked when he realized that Raphael had begun smiling as soon as everyone else had left the room.

"Take a seat, Simon," Raphael said, his smile only widening at Simon's confusion. "I'd like to speak with you about something quite personal if that's okay." The only thing Simon could think to do was nod and sit down, terribly worried about what Raphael was going to say. He obviously wasn't angry, so Simon shoved that worry aside and tried to calm himself down.

"Because of you. What you said today, Simon," Raphael began, taking a seat across from Simon in a curiously nervous way. Simon was pretty sure he had never seen Raphael nervous before. "I must ask you if you meant it." The way Raphael was staring at him made Simon slightly uncomfortable. He couldn't read the look in Raphael's eyes, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to.

"Of course I meant it, Raphael," Simon responded, chuckling softly at the thought that he hadn't meant it. "It'd be pretty hypocritical if I hadn't." When Raphael looked at Simon in confusion, Simon decided it was finally time to clarify. "A bi person can't really think of someone who's gay as broken or confused." Simon began smiling as he watched Raphael's face as what he said sunk in. The realization that flashed across Raphael's face was instant, and it seemed to relax him as well.

For several moments, Raphael simply looked back at Simon, seemingly preparing himself for what he wanted to say next. "For the longest time, I thought I was broken. I believed that there was something genuinely wrong with me, that my feelings were invalid. To see someone act in the way that you did, to see someone stand up for someone to validate their feelings in that way. Well, Simon, I cannot tell you what that meant to me."

Simon stayed silent, slightly unsure of what he should say. "I know this is confusing you," Raphael continued. "So let me spell things out as best I can." Simon momentarily looked down at his feet, wondering how they had gotten to this point. He knew what he wished Raphael would say, but he felt as though that was a very distant possibility. "To put it frankly, Simon, I'm asexual, and it took me a very long time to stop thinking that I was broken and confused."

At that, Raphael smiled once more, and Simon couldn't help but smile in return. "I've only ever felt romantic feels for two people, Simon," Raphael went on, encouraged by Simon's smile. "But recently I've been considering bumping that number up to three. You asked why I was smiling when you first walked in, and I answered you." Raphael paused, obviously searching for the right way to phrase what he wanted to say. "I'm beginning to think that you're the third person I've ever felt any sort of romantic feelings for."

Simon had imagined a situation like this for quite some time. Working through his own feelings had been very difficult, but when he'd come to the conclusion that he had feelings for Raphael, he'd been so frustrated that he wanted to scream. Yet sitting here now, Simon knew that he'd been wrong in all the assumptions he'd made about Raphael before.

"Honestly," Simon began, entirely unsure of where he was actually going with it. "I have no idea what to say. So let me be as straightforward with you as you were with me." Simon looked away from Raphael once more, unable to contain the sudden bought of nerves that overcame him. "I've been working through my own feelings lately, and I think you'll be happy to know that I'm fairly certain that I have feelings for you as well."

When Raphael began speaking again, his voice was terribly fast, as though he wanted to cover his bases before things got too out of hand. "Simon, there are a lot of things I can't promise you. My sexuality makes a lot of things people deem normal very difficult for me, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable at any point, and," Raphael stopped speaking when Simon held up a hand.

"Calm down, Raphael," he said, keeping his voice as gentle as possible. "I understand that you're nervous about this, but we'll work through those things when they come up. If I was uncomfortable with your sexuality, I would have told you already so that we didn't go any further with this. I care about you. Being with you is all that I'm going to ask for. Being with you is all that I could ever hope for."

Raphael was by Simon's side before he knew what was happening. Simon smiled as Raphael leaned down and gently kissed his forehead. "Thank you, Simon" he said, his voice very soft. "You are so much more than I could have ever asked for." Simon reached up to return a kiss on Raphael's cheek. "And I'm fairly certain that you are just what I've always needed."


	26. Z: Zero

Simon had hated his timer for as long as he could remember. As soon as he was old enough to understand what it was and what it meant, he despised it. Mostly, he hated it because it meant that he and Clary were never meant to be. If they were, his timer would have already hit zero and then faded away. But in the days after he and Clary met Jace and the other Shadowhunters, Simon began to wonder if that was what was truly meant to be. But when he realized that Clary's own timer had his zero, he couldn't keep himself from hating Jace, the hatred taking over until he was able to forget about his own timer.

Growing up in a world where everyone had a timer on their hands had always been such a terrible stress to Simon. Their timers were supposed to tell them exactly when they were going to meet their soulmates, but Simon had never really bought into that. He didn't understand how anyone else was supposed to know who his soulmate was when he himself hadn't the faintest idea. But according to his timer he still had a few days until he met whoever it was supposed to be. And yet the only thing Simon kept hoping was that it wasn't someone from the Shadow World. He knew he could handle almost anything else, but the world he'd been thrown into with Clary was already starting to break him, and he didn't know how he might handle that sort of curve ball.  
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For as long as Raphael could remember, he had never believed that these infernal timers actually worked. As a child, he hadn't understood how his timer could ever possibly keep counting down for almost a century. He'd watched as his siblings' timers had easily hit zero, his own never seeming to move much at all. His timer had been somewhat of a joke to his siblings, they kept telling him that he would die before he ever met his soulmate. They hadn't known how right they would be.

When Raphael had been Turned, he began to understand that he actually might meet his soulmate, at least if there was any truth to the timers. He became increasingly nervous as the timer switched from months to days. He'd lived with the timer for so long that it had just become a part of him, he'd never truly expected to have to face whoever his soulmate might be. Raphael had long ago written himself off as not being able to love anyone, at least not in a romantic way. He thought of Ragnor and Magnus as brothers, but that's where it ended for him.

So as Raphael watched his timer go down to less than two days, he found himself wishing that he could do anything other than watch it hit zero. He didn't want his soulmate, whoever that might be, to realize just how broken he was. Raphael had watched Magnus fall in and out of love, despite the fact that his timer had been ticking down for centuries. If others could love people who supposedly weren't their soulmates, then why would that make Raphael any different? He'd come to the conclusion long ago that he was too far gone, that he was incapable of loving anyone. He just hoped that his soulmate would understand that he was unfixable.  
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"This is impossible," Raphael said, his voice clearly tinging on panic. "This is not happening. There is no way that you are what was meant to happen at zero." The boy looked up at him from where he was on the floor, clearly as angry about the situation as Raphael was. But Raphael could also see fear in his eyes, and that's what caused him to soften ever so slightly. He knew what it was like to be a mundane thrown into Downworld. "Surely you know what you're doing here," Raphael asked, trying to keep his voice soft.

When they boy, who he later found out was Simon, shook his head in a way that told him his fear was closer to terror, Raphael sat down beside of him, his heart suddenly soft in a way that it had never been. "Who Turned you, Simon? You can trust me, I swear it." Raphael didn't know how to react when Simon admitted that it was Camille who had Turned him. He could so easily see how painful this was for Simon, how truly Simon believed he had been turned into a monster.

Raphael's heart tore at the thought, so he allowed himself to get up from the floor and return with a bottle of blood. Simon looked at it curiously, clearly surprised by Raphael's sudden gentleness. Raphael watched as Simon took the blood, staring at it but not yet finding it in himself to drink it. "Soulmates," Simon said, his voice distant and soft, as though he was analyzing the word. Raphael began to wonder if Simon had ever imagined that his soulmate might be a man, and he was unsure that was something Simon had ever done.

"How old are you?" Simon suddenly asked, his mind obviously racing much faster than Raphael could keep up. He watched Simon's face change, soften in the way that his own heart had when he admitted that he was seventy. Simon finally looked back at him, his face now free of the fear Raphael had seen earlier. "You've waited for that long?" he asked, his voice slightly lighter than it had been. "And you got me. What a disappointment." Raphael could hear the part of Simon that was joking, but he could also hear the part that wasn't.

Without knowing what he was doing, Raphael realized that he was reaching over for Simon's hand, and he had no idea how that happened. When he saw a quick smile flash across Simon's face, Raphael realized that he'd only been trying to lift Simon's spirits. "It could have been a lot worse, Simon," he replied, hearing the happiness in his own voice. "Magnus, for instance, waited for centuries. Or I could have been like my friend, Ragnor. His timer simply faded away far before it hit zero."

Simon's eyes widened when he realized what Raphael was saying. "His soulmate died before they met?" Simon asked, his voice tinged with worry. When Raphael nodded, he felt Simon squeeze his hand as though he was already worried about losing Raphael.

"I never thought I'd live long enough to meet my soulmate," Raphael continued. He could hear how tired his voice was, but he figured that he shouldn't hide anything from Simon if they were supposed to be soulmates. He raised an eyebrow in question when Simon smiled and playfully shoved him with his shoulder.

"Well, sorry to tell you that you aren't exactly alive," Simon said, his voice full of amusement. Raphael couldn't help but laugh, Simon's smile touching him in ways no one's smile ever had. He was surprised when Simon finally lifted the blood to his lips, slowly drinking it as though trying to acquire a taste for it. The entire time, Simon kept a grip on Raphael's hand, and Raphael couldn't find it in himself to let go.

The hardest part of all of it was that Raphael had no idea how to tell Simon to give up hope before he'd even formed it. He was so scared that he would never truly fall in love with Simon, but he was even more scared that Simon would fall in love with him. He had no idea what he would do if that happened, he only knew that he didn't want to break Simon's heart.  
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"You'll have nightmares," Raphael had told Simon before the headed off to bed. "Turning is very stressful, the nightmares will be quite painful. If you need anything, come find me." Simon had taken much longer to fall asleep that night (or rather, day) than he usually did. He'd expected the nightmares, he'd known that Raphael would not lie to him, but he was not at all prepared for exactly how horrifying they were. When the dreams finally woke him, he felt as though he should have been flushed and sweating, but then he realized that you could only be flushed if you had blood running through your veins.

Simon realized he was shivering, but there was no reason he should have been doing so. Despite himself, he found that he was thinking of Raphael, a deep sort of longing forming in his chest. Simon tired for several minutes to calm himself on his own, not wanting to bother Raphael already. What surprised him the most, however, was when his door opened on its own, revealing Raphael who looked just as anxious as Simon felt.

"Simon?" he asked, his voice only a whisper. "You were calling out," he said as he stepped into the room, as though that explained everything. Simon could only stare at him, unable to find anything of value to say. "Are you okay?" Raphael asked as he moved to take a seat on Simon's bed. Simon tried to nod, but he couldn't seem to move at all, his feelings of being a monster overwhelming him more than they had yet.  
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Raphael knew that Simon would have nightmares, he just didn't know that they would be this bad. Most fledglings only had mild nightmares, and they generally easily went back to sleep once they were woken by them. Raphael himself was the only vampire he'd ever known to have nightmares so horrifying that he'd actually screamed while having them. But now here Simon was, unable to so much as move or speak after waking up from screaming nightmares.

The most curious thing about it was that Raphael found himself genuinely wanting to take care of Simon, he found himself moving to motion for Simon to lay back down. Raphael sighed as he moved to lie beside of Simon. Raphael had only intended to stay with Simon and slip his hand into Simon's, but he found himself smiling in surprise when Simon grabbed his hand and moved so that their sides were completely touching. "Thank you," was all that Simon was able to say, and Raphael didn't ask for anything more. Instead, Raphael began speaking, not expecting any sort of answer.

"It will get easier, Simon," he said, his voice much more tender than he had expected it to be. "But until it does, I'm going to be here." Simon remained silent, which was exactly what Raphael had expected him to do. "I must admit that I never thought this would be the kind of thing that would happen when my timer hit zero, but I'm not at all disappointed that it did." Simon smiled and moved closer, and Raphael couldn't help but smile as well.

"There's a lot we have to talk about, Simon," he continued, feeling himself become less nervous and more relaxed. "But I can already tell you that I feel you changing me in ways I never thought would be possible. So relax, Simon, I'm going to keep you safe." Raphael couldn't contain his grin when Simon twisted to kiss Raphael's cheek.

When Simon stayed silent for several minutes, Raphael thought that he had fallen asleep once more. But soon, he heard Simon speak up again. "Thank you, Raphael," he said, his voice full of so many emotions that Raphael couldn't hope to distinguish and of them. His only hope was that what he was doing to help Simon was actually helping, but when Simon spoke again, Raphael's hopes turned into much more than that. "I'm very glad my timer hit zero today."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very very sad that I've finished this, but I do have something new that should be very exciting that I may start tonight!
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts on any parts of this! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Also, if you have any ideas that you'd like to see me write, or you have any prompts, just message me! I'd love to hear about those as well!
> 
> Thanks for sticking through me with this! I love you all so much! You're the reason I keep writing!


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